Summer's not over yet (OK, well technically it never started in the first place). Get to the newsagents for this week's Venue to see why:

BRISTOL FESTIVAL - There's no more Ashton Court, but there is a spanking new Bristol Festival instead in the double-headed form of Brizzolfest at the Harbourside and dance music meltdown Rave-on-Avon all over the place. We've got all the highlights.

MUSIC LEGENDS - Photographer Pete Williams has been snapping musical icons for two decades, and a selection of the best is now on view in a Bristol church crypt.

BRISTOL SCHOOLS - The new term's begun, with the biggest shake-up in local secondary education for a generation. Is Bristol's abysmal academic record is about to turn the corner?

PLUS - Bath Festival Of Children's Literature ... Heavy Metal in Baghdad ... Bristol Anarchist Bookfair ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll show your neighbours the footage of you taking a Lewis Hamilton-style shortcut over their cat.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

It was the first day of the autumn term, and Mrs Jones went to wake up her sleeping son at 7am.
"Wake up," she said. "It's time to get ready for school."
"Awww Mum!" groaned her son. "I don't want to go back to school!"
"Whyever not?" asked Mrs Jones. "What's the reason?"
"School is really boring. The kids hate me, and all the teachers hate me, too, and they make me do loads of really hard work that I don't want to do," he replied.
"Oh don't be silly," she said. "Now stop this nonsense at once and get ready for school."
"Give me one good reasons why I should!" said her son.
"I'll give you two reasons," said Mrs Jones. "One - you're older now, and you have to start taking more responsibility. And two - you're the headmaster."
(Thanks Baz)

Q. What's the most common lovemaking position?
A. Doggy position, because the man has to beg for it and the woman rolls over and plays dead.
(Thanks Graham)

An Irishman and a Mormon were sitting together on a plane when the stewardess came around with the drinks.
The Irishman asked it they had Irish whiskey and he would have a large one.
The attendant turned to the Mormon and asked if he would like a drink.
"I'd rather be ravished by twelve brazen whores than let liquor pass my lips!"
With that the Irishman hands his drink back and says: "I'll have that too. I didn't know we had a choice."
(Thanks Jack)

There are two sisters, one is blonde and other is a brunette and they inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the market in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have £600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there,if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and bring me home." The brunette arrives at the market, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for £599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the post office to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the post office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my Sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our Land Rover and drive out here so we can tow it home."
The clerk explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 pence a word."
After paying for the bull, the brunette only has £1 left She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word - 'comfortable.'"
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your Land Rover and drive out here to tow that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word - comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul."
(Thanks NKM)

"Doctor, about this operation I'm going to have ... When I've recovered, will I be able to play the violin?"
"Yes, I see no reason why not."
"Brilliant! I've never been able to play it before."
(Thanks Erchie)

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
(Thanks to Nick for both of them. You win this week's star prize, a copy of a reissue of Katharine Whitehorn's 1961 classic cookbook Cooking in a Bedsitter (it has lines like "first, buy tenpence worth of tripe") - mail us a postal address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. Jokes are very important to us in these credit-crunchy times because they remind us of the things that really matter in life, i.e. poking fun at blondes, minorities, the weak and elderly. Best gag each week wins a prize; next week's winner will get a book called 'Things to Do With Dad' or a Verve CD, or summat.

Webs

Men vs women in the shower www.glumbert.com/media/shower (Thanks Jack)

Reading test readingtest.sytes.org

Is it cheaper to make a cup of tea using gas or electricity? srimech.blogspot.com/2008

A periodic table of a different kind www.dapperstache.com

Fabulous timeline of internet memes www.dipity.com/user/tatercakes/timeline

Amazing wooden mirror www.environmentalgraffiti.com/featured

Ouch! cgi.ebay.com/EMPTY-CONDOM-PACKET-A-PHOTO-OF-THE-TARTS-KNICKERS

Mmmm! Americans and guns! (Funny) www.youtube.com/watch

Bookshelves weburbanist.com/2008

Amazing sea creatures www.photolib.noaa.gov/nurp

Clever Photoshoppery www.kantor.com/blog/images

And please remember to buy Venue. The management will give us an old saucepan for collecting fresh rainwater to drink if you do.

Cheers then.

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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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