Forget about debt, recession and bankruptcy - the latest Venue (in the shops Wednesday) is full of far more important things.

THE CUBE - A major Bristolian institution that's just clocked up ten years of film screenings, offbeat festivals and many artistic and political oddities.

UP FEST - That's the Urban Paint Festival, as in graffiti; Bristol's about to see 12 hours of spraycan and stencil painting by some of the street art scene's leading lights.

MARTHA WAINWRIGHT - Death, religion, family, saving the planet, homegrown veg ... and a very famous musical father. We meet the folk-country sensation who's coming this way soon ...

PLUS - Win free sushi! ... Win a £250 shopping spree ... Bristol Radical History Week ... The Ting Tings ... Roots Manuva ... English National Ballet ... Ricky Gervais on new movie 'Ghost Town' ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who put all the firm's money into Iceland.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

A businessman flew to Las Vegas to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, he returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
(Thanks Jack)

A drunk gentleman (possibly a member of an ethnic group unfairly known for habitually consuming excessive quantities of alcohol) spots a group of attractive women drinking in a bar. Fancying his chances, he staggers over, Guinness in hand. "Are you lovely ladies going on holiday?" he asks, noticing they each have a little suitcase with them. One girl huffs, rolls her eyes, and tells him they're all air hostesses, they've just finished work, and they're tired.
"Oh really?" he exclaims, not taking the hint. "Well now, let's see if I can guess which airline you work for!"
The girls all sigh and roll their eyes.
"Is it 'The World's Favourite Airline'?" He asks, trying to be clever by reciting British Airways' slogan.
"No" one girl replies, coldly.
"'Spirit of Australia'?" (Qantas this time) "NO."
"Okay then, perhaps it's 'The Low Cost Airline'?" (Ryanair) Exasperated, the girl flips. "Look you irritating little man, why don't you just piss off and leave us alone?!"
Immediately his eyes light up in recognition.
"Of course! Easyjet!"
(Thanks Andrew of St George)

What I don't understand is where Iceland keeps all the money Whenever I've been in, it's just deep-freezes full of Findus Crispy Pancakes <puzzled>
(Thanks Jack)

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs."
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him 80 Euros a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter."
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 Euros a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour."
"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."
(Thanks Happy Gasgirl. We refer you to Spam policy on Irish Jokes. You win nothing.)

A man walks into a pet shop and says, "I'd like to buy a wasp, please."
"Sorry sir, we don't sell wasps."
"You've got three in the window."
(Thanks Peter)

Did you hear about the short sighed circumcisor?
He got the sack

Q. What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe A. Roberto (Thanks Alvin)

A man walked into the doctors surgery wearing nothing but wrapped in clingfilm.
The doctor said "I can clearly see you're nuts!"

After years of struggling with my weight problem, I'm on a new 'whisky diet' - I've lost 3 days already.
(Thanks David)

A Science teacher asked her class, "Which human body part increases 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking pupils a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.
The teacher ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her in a loud voice, "Boy is she gonna get in big trouble!"
Teacher: "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
The teacher said, "Very good Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed."
(Thanks Debs; you win this week's star prize, a book subtitled 'Create Your Own Jane Austen Adventure' and a Boyzone single. You can also have JADE: CATCH A FALLING STAR, the second volume of Jade Goody's autobiography if you want it, as last week's winner refused to take it. Just send us a postal address and that's half your Christmas presents sorted.)

Please send jokes. Preferably ones we've not heard before, and better still ones without any rude words or rude body parts in so's our spam will get through the corporate censorware. The gag that makes us laugh most bigly each week wins a prize. Next week's winner gets a Jewel DVD (she's some singer) AND a LIMITED EDITION Tony Christie album!! So don't delay - hit the REPLY button now and moisten our inbox with the candlelit dinner and flattery of your funnyness.

Websites

Very very clever foody sculpture stuff fabulously40.com (Thanks Matt)

Outsourcing to monkeys... www.managementtoday.co.uk

How neat is this? Make your own T-shirt folding thing out of cardboard. (below)

"The five most overrated jobs of all time." Funnyinteresting article. www.cracked.com

Ten people who did, in fact, predict the crash ... timesbusiness.typepad.com

Cutest picture ever. Possibly. i37.tinypic.com

How to do graffiti www.woostercollective.com

Woman calls in "pet psychic" who tells her her cat needs a sex change. Now she wants you to donate for the op. Words fail us. helpbubba.synthasite.com

A debate about the efficacy (or otherwise) of using sweat from a certain part of the male anatomy as an aphrodisiac, and whether or not you can collect it in a plastic bag. Probably not worksafe. pherolibrary.com/forum

Funny blog about how living in a shared house sucks buckfrain.wordpress.com

Make your own USB desk lamp with an old Barbie doll. www.tribs.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk

And please remember to buy Venue - the management have said they're going to have to charge us for going to the toilet if the cash flow doesn't improve.

Cheers then.

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