A silly old credit crunch and a teeny bit of bad economic news doesn't mean you have to skimp on life's little luxuries. And what could be more luxurious than getting the credit card and splashing out on this week's Venue with:
RECESSION, WHAT RECESSION? What are the prospects for jobs and money round these parts in the next couple of years? We've got a special investigation. AND we've also got a load of free stuff and penny-pinching ideas.
JANE TAYLOR "Someone just buried their mother to my music, others have been married to it. To me, that means that I got it right." Bristol singer-songwriter sensation talks to Venue as her second album comes out.
PLUS Pete and the Pirates, Noah & The Whale interviewed ... Christmas Dining Guide ... Saucy, bawdy, rude Bristolian tales ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll play everyone the recording of that obscene phone call you made to Russell Brand.
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Jokes ...
Mr and Mrs Jones had made an appointment with the weekend emergency dentist.
"I don't need any expensive extras," said Mr Jones. "Let's just get this over with. I don't want any gas or injections or any of that fussing around. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.
"Gosh," said the dentist. "I wish all of my patients were as tough as you. Now which tooth is it?"
Mr Jones turned to his wife. "Show him your tooth, Doris." (Thanks Ellie)
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I have a very embarrassing problem. Every time I, you know, play with myself, I can't help singing GLORY GLORY MAN UNITED!!
Doctor: Oh, that's nothing to worry about. A lot of wankers sing that. (Thanks Ben)
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were flying in a small plane which crashed into a mountainside, killing the pilot. Stranded miles from anywhere, and without any food for several days they decided they would have to eat the pilot.
"Well," said the Irishman, "I support Liverpool football club, so I'm going to eat the liver."
"I support Hearts," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Englishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite." (Thanks James)
There once was a farmer who wasn't very good with women. His passion was agricultural equipment, especially tractors.
However, one day he met a girl he really fancied. He started going out with her and their relationship blossomed. She quite liked him, but did find his conversation when it turned to tractors quite boring.
Eventually he plucked up courage to pop the question. She thought for a while, and then said, "Well OK, I will marry you on one condition".
"What's that?" he said.
"I'll marry you if you promise me that you won't keep going on about tractors," she said.
He agreed, and they got married shortly afterwards.
A few weeks later, they were sat in the local pub, having ordered a meal. Suddenly the room filled with dense oily smoke - the chip pan in the kitchen had caught fire. Everyone was panicking and screaming.
The farmer stood up, took a huge breath, and sucked all the smoke away.
"How on earth did you do that?" everyone asked.
"Easy, I'm an ex-tractor fan." (Thanks Richard)
Things that have really been said in American courtrooms, allegedly ...
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh ... I was gett'in laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law (Thanks to both Julian and Pam for them)
Jack decided to go skiing with his mate, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's 4X4 and headed north to Scotland. After driving for hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone first thing." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great week of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a solicitor. It took him a few minutes to work it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the ski week.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do" said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beetroot red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, mate. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything!" (Thanks Julie; you win this week's star spammy prizes - a book of old pictures of Brislington and a Boyzone album.
Oh joy. Mail us a postal address if you want 'em.)
Please send jokes. Preferably ones we've not heard before, and which don't have no rude words or rude body part words in so's our spam will get through the corporate censorware. Best joke each week wins some stuff that will make you the envy of all your friends. So don't hang about; hit that REPLY button now and smear generous dollops of your funnyness all over our swelling inbox.
Will ye no have some links afore ye go ...
World's first music video created in ... Excel?! www.acdcrocks.com (Thanks Robin)
Mmmm! Home entertainment! news.cnet.com (Thanks Jack)
