Rejoice!

And lo the Bristolites and Bathonians were abiding in the fields (because they'd been repossessed for falling behind on the mortgage) when the Newsagent of the Lord did come down and spaketh unto them. Be not afraid, he quoth, this week's Venue will sort you:

CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE We've got loads of terrific present ideas, all of them from convenient shops owned and run by local people. Support your community, don't give your cash to faceless chainstores, and make it the best Christmas ever.

TELLY SPECIAL We look at some of the huge range of TV programmes in production locally at the moment, and worry about what happens to this increasingly important industry if Casualty goes west.

BRISTOL BLACK & WHITE Riots, raves, local heroes ... veteran Venue snapper Mark Simmons has been capturing the lives of Bristolians on film for over 25 years and his new book and exhibitions represent a fascinating retrospective of his work.

TIPPING POINT You order food, you eat the meal, you leave a tip. But waiting staff may not be getting that money. We look into the restaurant scandal that nobody wants to talk about.

PLUS Win free chocolate! ... Chuck 'Fight Club' Palahniuk interviewed ... LTJ Bukem ... Bristol comedian James Dowdeswell ... Booker Prize winner AS Byatt ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone you voted against John Sergeant.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokeytime!

A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm.
"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.
"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.
"Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday."
(Thanks Jack)

BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
(Thanks Ellie)

Dave comes home from work early one day.
He walks quietly into the kitchen and sees his wife on her knees, scrubbing the floor. He watches the rhythmic movements of her arse stuck high in the air for a few seconds, before he can't take it any more.
Without a word, tiptoes over, lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding of her life until they both finish loudly. Then he zips himself up, gets to his feet and kicks her up the arse as hard as he can.
"What the hell was that for?!" she screams at him.
"For not turning round to see who it was!"
(Thanks Jon)

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last.'"
(Thanks Fran)

Three Jewish mothers from New York were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.
"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Judy," said Mrs. Levine fondly. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Lois does for me," declared Mrs. Stein proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer, two weeks in the Hamptons in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Lipkin sat back with a knowing smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Patty does," she said. "Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
Mrs. Lipkin answered, "Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
(Thanks Dave)

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
(Thanks Franx)

My daughter has had a terrible time. First off she got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that she got rheumatism, and to top it off they gave her hypodermics and inoculations.
Those primary school spelling tests are really hard these days.
(Thanks M.)

Tom and Dave are chatting in the pub. Tom says, "Dave, if I slept with your wife, would we still be friends?"
"What? No!!" says Dave.
"So I suppose we'd be enemies then?"
"No!!" says Dave.
"Well what would we be then?"
"We'd be even."
(Thanks Clare)

John had been away on business all week and as soon as he got home on Friday night he and his wife fell eagerly into bed. After some great, energetic sex, he said to her: "Now I'm afraid I have to tell you that you're not going to see me for a while."
"What? You're going away again?"
"No," he said, "that's not what I meant. Just turn over ... "
(Thanks Lyn - you win this week's star prize, a big pile of unclaimed previous spam prizes so's I can see my desk again. It's kind of a magical mystery hamper, but it does contain the Cliff Richard book among many other treats. Mail us an address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. Big ones, little ones, but preferably funny ones we've not seen before and which don't have too many words that'll get our mailing caught by corporate spamtraps (this is why, for instance, we can never ever ever send out any spam containing the name of a certain small blue pill - in case you was wondering).

Websites

Watch this! Brilliant little film about the gorilla in the City Museum (below)

Locally-based heavy metal luminary www.johntuckeronline.com

That spider payment wind-up in full, in case you've not already seen it. franksemails.com

Possibly the most splenetic and sweary local blog ever bristoldaverants.blogspot.com

50 Strange Buildings of the World villageofjoy.com

Cute picture of hedgehog www.hedgehogcentral.com

Islamic scholar signs own death warrant shock online.wsj.com

Things made of meat. Artistic. Or gross. www.eatmedaily.com

Bloke attaches electrodes to face to give it little electric shocks to make it dance to weebly electro type music (below)

Some amazing things done with books www.offbeatearth.com

"Tesco Value Spiderman" www.tomscott.com

And please remember the buy Venue. The management have promised us a Christmas turkey* if you do.
* A DVD of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians they found in a charity shop.

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