Here's an awards ceremony more glamorous than the Oscars! More intellectual than the Nobels! More interesting than the Institute of Plumbers' Golden Drains! And you're invited to walk down the red carpet to the newsagents for this week's Venue with:
THE 2009 TOP BANANA AWARDS - The lucky winners of Venue's top awards for all that was best in Bristol and Bath this year. Everything from pubs and restaurants through to movies and DJs. See who won what.
PETER O'TOOLE - It's not every day you meet a living legend, but Lawrence of Arabia himself talks to us about his new film!
WILDLIFE PHOTOGRAPHER OF THE YEAR - Bristol City Museum once more hosts some spectacularly beautiful images from the natural world.
PLUS - Keanu Reeves on 'The Day the Earth Stood Still' ... Bobby Davro at the Hippodrome ... The good Grotto Guide ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who gave him the laxative chocolates in last year's secret Santas.
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Jokes
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!" (Thanks Jack)
A man had just been hired as the new MD of a major company.
The previous MD, who had "resigned" because the firm was not performing too well, met him for lunch the day before he started work, and handed him three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but three months later, sales took a downturn and the new MD was getting a lot of hassle from the board. It was then that he remembered the three envelopes.
He went to his drawer and took out the first one and opened it. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new MD called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous MD.
Satisfied with his comments, the press, the city and the directors all responded positively. The share price rose, and sales began to pick up.
But then, six months later, the company was again experiencing a dip in sales, and there was a looming lawsuit from a customer who claimed that the firm's products had harmed him.
The MD went to his desk and opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded once more.
After two consecutive profitable quarters, the company again fell on difficult times. The MD went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes." (Thanks Bill)
Dave was due to cook dinner for his family, and was in the supermarket getting a few things, when he noticed that as he made his way around, a rather attractive young woman was following him and looking at him.
By the freezer cabinets, she was still looking at him. She gave him a little smile. So Dave went up to her and asked: "Do I know you?"
She replied: "I think you must be the father of one of my kids."
Dave stared blankly, thought for a moment, and then realised that the kid in question could only have been the result of the only time he had ever cheated on his wife.
He said to the woman: "Are you the pole-dancer who came to my best friend's stag party about five years ago? You know - we did it in the middle of the room while the rest of the blokes were cheering us on?"
The woman looked at him in horror. "No! Christ, no!" she said. "I meant that I'm your son's primary school teacher." (Thanks Ellie)
Mrs Jones was the village gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the community's morals. She was always sticking her nose into other people's business. No-one liked her, but they were all slightly afraid of what she'd say about them, so they had to put up with it.
But she made a big mistake when Tony moved into the village. Tony was a respectable builder and decorator, and one day he was doing a small job at the village pub.
When she saw Tony's van parked outside the pub all day Mrs Jones naturally jumped to conclusions and within a few hours she had told everyone that Tony was an alcoholic. She even said this to Tony's face.
Tony looked at her for a moment, said nothing, and turned away.
Later that evening, Tony parked his van outside Mrs Jones's house. And left it there all night. (Thanks Maura)
Five of the locals are drinking at the Dog and Duck in rural Gloucestershire when a stranger, a man with only one eye, walks in.
One of them notices, and says to the others: "Hey, look at that bloke with only one eye."
So the other four all cover one of their eyes with a hand and turn to look. (Thanks Eve)
A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her a lot of questions about her diet and sleeping habits, and then told her go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.
When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of a full-length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do as he asked.
As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her fanny.
He kept it there for a few minutes and made some funny noises, a hum, a couple of haa's, and then muttered, "yes, yes I can see now" to himself. He told her she could get dressed again.
When she sat down at his desk, fully-clothed once more, he said, "The cause of your problem is that you drink too much liquid before going to bed. If you can cut down on that it should solve your problem."
"Thank you doctor," she replied. "But please tell me. What did that exercise in front of the mirror tell you? "
"It told me that my wife is right. A beard would suit me." (Thanks Richard. You win this week's star prize, a couple of amusing books that might suit as stocking fillers or secret santas. Send us a postal address if you want them.)
Please send us jokes. Preferably on some sort of Christmas theme for next week's SANTA SPAM SPECIAL. The funniest joke will win some stuff.
