Bristol and Bath are the best places in the world for all sorts of reasons. One reason is Venue magazine, and another reason is newsagents where you can buy it:
GET INSPIRED - Bored with credit crunches and the traditional January misery? Then join us as we seek out some of the most positive and inspiring things about living Round These Parts, from our uniquely diverse urban wildlife to the infamous Bristol 'L', from bacon sarnies by the docks to cutting-edge arts ... And now we're feeling all cheered up.
RICHARD E GRANT - "Don't mention Withnail or he'll put the phone down," we were warned. So we did but he didn't. The star reflects on his imminent visit to Theatre Royal Bath.
MERYL STREEP - After starring in the feelgood 'Mamma Mia!', what's next for Meryl Streep? A film about race, child abuse and nuns, of course. She talks to Venue about the imminent 'Doubt'.
PLUS - Valentine's Day dining ... Musical legend Richard Thompson interviewed ... Bath's Family Theatre Festival ... Win cinema tickets & DVDs ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll expand Bristol Airport into your back garden.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes, then ...
Bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"
The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share," handing the bloke a sugar bag containing two big crayfish and four or five juicy crabs.
"Jeez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?"
"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're wondering if you'd like to join us when we shoot back to the reef and see what we get when we pull her up again." (Thanks Pam)
A young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair-dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "and what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "go ahead, Father. Next!" (Thanks Ellie)
A man is being shown around a latex factory.
First of all he is shown the machine that makes the rubber teats for baby feeding-bottles. The machine makes the sound: hiss, pop, hiss, pop.
The manager of the factory explains to him that the hissing noise is the latex being poured into the moulds, and the popping noise is the hole being put into the end of the teat.
They then move on to another building in the factory complex. This is where the condoms are made. Here there’s a similar machine to the teat department, but it makes the noise: hiss, hiss, hiss, pop. The visitor says, "hang on a minute, I know that the hissing sound is latex being poured into the mould, but I can hear a popping noise."
The manager of the factory says, "That’s right! We put a hole into every fourth condom."
"What?!" the bloke says "that can't be very good for the condom industry!"
"No," said the manager, "but it's pretty good for the baby bottle teat business." (Thanks Jim)
Six retired blokes are playing poker at George's house when Bert loses £300 on a single hand.
He swears quietly, and then grabs his chest. His face contorts in pain and he slumps over the table.
Jeff, who's a doctor, pronounces him dead.
"Oh my God!" says George. "Who's going to go and tell his wife?"
They decide to draw cards. Harry draws a two and loses. He groans, but the others encourage him and tell him to be gentle and discreet and not make a terrible situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet - discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me," he says.
He goes over to Bert's house and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Harry answers, "Your husband just lost £300 and is afraid to come home. He's has asked me to come and apologise."
"You tell him I said drop dead!" says the wife.
"Ok, I'll go tell him," says Harry. (Thanks Maura)
The end of Day One at the White House:
"What a day!"
"Phew, yeah...what a day!"
"I'm exhausted. Could you get the light, Barack?"
"Yes I can! I will not only get the light, I will shine the light for all Americans and show them the way through the darkness! It is a light that arises from the hopes and dreams of the old and the young, the black and white and yellow and red and brown, the gay and the straight, the rich and the poor! It is a light on whose rays the promise of hope...and opportunity...and achievement...all soar to a distant, brighter future! But it will take all of us, working together in a spirit of shared sacrifice and commitment, to make that light a beacon of progress. And I say to you tonight: This is our moment! This is our bedtime! This..."
"Oh fer god's sake never mind, I'll do it myself..."
[Click!] (Thanks Jack)
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She said to him: "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift outside the house. You owe me big time! I want you to buy me something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds! It had better be there!"
Next morning, Rick got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her dressing gown and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him. (Thanks Leigh. You win this week’s star prize, a couple of funny books left over from the pre-Christmas pile. Mail us a postal address if you want them.)
Please send us jokes. Your Venue spam needs jokes like the flower needs the rain, like the penguin needs the snow, like the banker needs taxpayers’ money. It’s all part of nature’s unending miracle. Best joke each week wins some stuff; we appear to have the new U2 album as next week’s star prize, but hurry as we might have to burn it to keep warm.
