You newsagent has the best brains and looks in town. In this week's Venue, that is ...
BRIGHT SPARKS - We go in search of the cleverest folk in Bristol and Bath, from the man who invented the mobile phone to philosophers, rocket scientists (yes, really), historians and a boffin who could save the planet.
LILY ALLEN - Basking in the success of new album 'It's Not Me, It's You', Ms Allen graces the West with a live appearance and her first ever DJing session. But has the feisty popstrel really calmed down and grown up?
COUNTRY PUBS - Mmmm, log fires, hearty lunches, warming ales - and all, if you wish, at the end of a spirit-lifting walk... As spring drifts in the air, we take a trip out of the city and pick a fine selection of favourite watering holes.
PLUS - Win cinema tickets! ... Misha Glenny on war, drugs & organised crime ... Local micro-budget movie 'Kiss of the Moon'... Mother's Day gift guide ... Prison flick 'Bronson' ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell Gordon Brown you said he could have that £4.23 you have in the Nationwide for his quantitative easing thing.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
Q: What's got 90 balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo (We found that on the internet.)
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said: "I want to write things that the whole world will read, words that people will react to on a truly emotional level, prose that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
So he got a job with Microsoft writing error messages. (Thanks Ellie)
Israel announced Monday that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will visit the Palestinian suburbs and Israel next week. She's going to lecture the Israelis and the Palestinians on how to live side by side, even though they hate each other. No one's better qualified. (Thanks Jack)
Groucho Marx quotes:
- The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made.
- From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
- Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
- Room service? Send up a larger room.
- Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
- He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
- A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
- Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
- Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.
- Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- (In old age). I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honoured by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection.
- Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
- Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
- Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
- There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.
- No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
- I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. (Thanks Dave)
A farmer had a small pond on his farm beside an orchard. One day he took a large bucket and went to the orchard to pick some fruit.
As he approached the pond, he heard women shouting and laughing. Then he saw a small group of young women were skinny-dipping in his pond.
As they saw him approaching, the women all swam towards the deepest end of the pond, and one yelled: "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The farmer replied, "Don't worry. I didn't come down here to get a look at you young ladies with no clothes on." He held up his bucket: "I'm here to feed my pet crocodile." (Thanks Emma)
A rich English widow moved from London to New York to start a new life. She bought a large apartment and decided to have a big house-warming party with lots of guests so she could get to know more people.
Knowing how much New York society loves the arts, she hired a famous artist to paint a picture that would cover the whole of one of the apartment's walls. She decided to emphasise her commitment to becoming an American by commissioning a picture showing a famous moment in American history. She told the artist: "Do me an epic picture showing what General Custer was thinking at the time of his last battle."
The artist went to work, and only just managed to finish the picture on time. On the evening of the party, it was there on the wall with a big cloth covering it.
At last, the proud hostess unveiled the painting. The guests gasped. Some screamed, some shook their heads in disgust, some giggled, a few walked out.
The picture showed Indians having sex with each other in every possible position. Even more bizarrely, there was a huge fish in the middle of the picture with a halo over its head.
"What the hell have you done?!" hissed the hostess to the artist. "What on earth is this ridiculous picture supposed to be about?"
"Hey, I only painted what you told me to paint," said the artist. "You told me to paint what General Custer was thinking in the battle. My guess is that he was thinking, 'Holy mackerel! Look at all those f***ing Indians!'" (Thanks Bella. You win this week's star prize of a collection of CDs, including the Lionel Richie one that remains unclaimed from last week. Mail us a postal address if you wants it.)
Please send us jokes. Jokes are the wind beneath our wings, you know. Best one every week wins a piece of crap. We especially like ones we've not heard before. And that are funny. Also, in these recessionary times, a handful of homegrown jokes can be chucked into a pan of water with a bit of salt, some onions and a squirrel to make a nourishing stew.
Websites?
Man tries to get in and out of giant balloon. (Thanks Julian) (below)
