Aquacrunk (we are not making this up)

Looking for the best gig in town? Well then join the queue of screaming, hysterical Venue fans at the newsagents for this week's edition with:

MUSICAL CHAIRS - Music used to simple. You could divide it into jazz, pop, classical and indeed country and western. Nowadays, though, there's loads of different labels. Things like doomcore, donk, aquacrunk (we are not making this up) and loads more. Join us for a genre-by-genre tour of the local music scene. PLUS if you wanna be a star, don't miss out free Musos' Guide, packed with all the essential info on the local music biz, from record shops to PA hire, venues and more.

GRAFITTI GOES POSH - A behind-the-scenes look at the latest exhibition at the Royal West of England Academy, in which street artists get the run of the place.

LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS - Them blokes out of Gavin and Stacey are attacked by, er, lesbian vampire killers. What's not to like? Plenty, some feminists would argue. Matthew Horne and James Corden talk about their feature film debut.

PLUS - Win a crate of beer! … David Hare's controversial 'Gethsemane' … TV adventurer Monty Halls … 'The Rough Guide To Food' … Bath Comedy Festival … Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or the footage of your Barry White impersonation goes on YouTube.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month

Jokes

Bloke goes to Australia for a holiday. As he goes through passport control at the airport he’s asked if he’s ever been in prison or been arrested.
“Sorry but no,” he says. “I didn’t realise it was still an entry requirement”.
(Thanks Helen)

Two spermatazooa, on being ejected, decided to have a race. After a little while they were starting to get tired.
“Blimey!” said one. “All this swimming is knackering me. How long ‘til we reach the egg?”
“It’s a long way to go yet, mate,” says the other one. “We’ve only just gone past her tonsils.”
(Thanks Sam)

Steve liked to go out and get very drunk with his mates every Saturday night, but the problem was that he couldn’t hold his drink. One Saturday, as usual, he got home very late in a complete mess and covered in his own puke.
The following morning, when he had sobered up, his wife yelled at him, telling him she was sick of his coming home drunk, and of always having to wash his clothes afterwards. If it ever happened again, she said, she would leave him.
Next Saturday, Steve was out again with his mates, but only drinking orange juice. When they asked him why, he explained what had happened the previous week.
One of his friends came up with a suggestion. “Look,” he said. “All you have to do is stick a £20 note in your shirt pocket before you start drinking, and make sure you leave it there all evening. Then, if you sick up your beer, you can tell your wife when you get home that it was some other bloke who puked on you – and that he gave you the twenty quid to cover the cleaning bill.”
Steve was delighted with the idea, and so proceeded to get completely pissed.
Several hours later, he fell through the front door. Covered in puke as usual.
His wife was furious. “It wasn’t me, love!” Steve slurred. “It was one of the other blokes who got sick over me. He gave me 20 quid for the cleaning. Check my pocket!”
His wife looked in his shirt pocket and said, “but there's 40 quid here".
“Yeah!” said Steve. “That’s because he crapped in my trousers as well.”
(Thanks Ellie)

A crowd enters a pub and orders a big round of drinks. When they come to pay they give the barman milk bottle tops.
"What the hell is this?" says the barman.
The head of the group comes over to explain. "Sorry about this,” he says. “They’re all patients from the mental home down the road. Just humour them, keep a tab and, at the end of the night, I'll settle up with you," says the guy.
“Oh, fair enough,” says the barman. “Okay then.”
The night rolls on and it's a roaring success. The barman hails the guy. "That was a great night! Not one of them is sober and they were absolutely no trouble at all!" he says, amazed. "That will be £473.82, please."
"Okay," says the guy. "Have you got change for a dustbin lid?"
(Thanks Ed)

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms.
The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group.
The first person took offence at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way!
(Thanks Jack. The good news is that you win this week. The bad news is that it’s a whole Lionel Richie album (he’s still looking pretty sharp after all these years) – mail us the address if you want it.)

Please send jokes. Jokes are recession-proof. Their interest rates don’t go up or down, they never make you unemployed (well, some jokes can get you sacked, but not in a recessionary way) and they maintain a steady value against all major currencies, including the Mongolian Togrog (though not Sterling). Also, you can win some crap if yours is the joke of the week.

Some websites

Microsoft Flight Simulator just won’t do for some people www.smh.com.au/news/home/technology

How to take stunning portrait photographs digital-photography-school.com

Puts a slice of bacon on any web page you like bacolicio.us

This week’s must-have computer gadget (in French). Play the vid. www.mensup.fr

Street art comes to the Royal West of England Academy www.crimesofpassion.info

The truth about the Amish and technology. Interesting. www.kk.org/thetechnium/archives

"How not to fail at life." Not worksafe. img242.imageshack.us

Ben Goldacre. Hero or what? (below)

Read this if you don’t wash your mobile regularly networks.silicon.com/mobile

How to be Jason Bourne www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog

And please remember to buy Venue.

The management will have to put Lousy, our pet woodlouse, to sleep if they can't afford to feed it. Although they will continue to have their usual 17 meals per day. They need it to keep up their strength.

Cheers then.
..................................
::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
..................................