Manic Recession

In these times of crisis, the most important thing is to keep calm. Calmly walk to the newsagents, stay cool as you hand over the really very reasonable price of this week's Venue, and then serenely read:

MANIC RECESSION - So is the economic crisis keeping us all at home in front of the telly with a jumbo pack of Aldi cardboard-flavoured crisps? We investigate how the dreaded crunch is affecting everything from eating out to live music, tourism to sport, and look at where the best deals are for your social life.

EMERGENCY! - As the fictional 'Casualty' prepares to head across the water to Cardiff, we spend a day with Bristol's real-life paramedics as they fend off abuse, do reams of paperwork and save lives.

THE BOAT THAT ROCKED - Richard Curtis on his latest romantic comedy, set in the crazy world of 1960s pirate radio. A story of decks & tugs & rock'n'roll, you might say. (Sorry.)

PLUS - Film producer Chris Moll on his big plans for filmmaking in Bristol ... Going-places funkster Dr Meaker ... Win £250's worth of G-Star jeans ... Antony Sher comes to Bath ... Muslim stand-up comic Shazia Mirza ... Easter family fun ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss the titles of the two 'adult' movies you rented the other week.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!

Jokes

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Control freak. Now you say 'Control freak who?'"
(Thanks Pete)

An old Iowa farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster, Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."
"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."
"I thought so too", said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
(Thanks Jack)

Having lunch at the golf club the other week, I overheard one woman golfer telling another: "I had a terrible game this morning. I cut myself between the first and second hole."
"That's a pain," said her friend. "You'll never get a Band Aid to stick there."
(Thanks Meg)

A guy had a really unusual problem in that his willy was getting bigger and longer every week. His wife wasn't complaining but when it got to 'javelin' proportions he went to the doc's and his wife went with him.
The doctor said this was most unusual but that he would arrange for an operation.
The wife asked how long he would be on crutches.
The doc was puzzled at this query and asked why he would need crutches.
The wife answered: "Well, you are going to lengthen his legs aren't you?"
(Thanks Tish)

I phoned a local builder and decorator today, I said to him, "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
(Thanks Maura)

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quietened down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
(The donkey later bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
Moral 2: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.)
(Thanks Ellie. You win this week's star prize, yet another pair of funny books. Mail us an address if you want 'em.)

Please send us jokes. The exchange rate of the Joke against the Euro and the Dollar has dropped dramatically, meaning we now need more jokes just to keep slightly amused, whereas the same amount of jokes six months ago would have had us in stitches. Best joke each week wins some stuff - next week we have the soundtrack album for new movie 'The Boat That Rocked'.

Websites

Sequels we'd like to see everybodylovesacane.blogspot.com

Imperial stormtroopers. They're just like us really. nextround.net

Lots of cool/clever Lego creations speckyboy.com

The last word in geek office design www.dannychoo.com

More US fundamentalist idiocy (below)

Poor, poor kid arbroath.blogspot.com

Public sector bullshit detector ruletheweb.co.uk

Kate Bush. She was bonkers, wasn't she? fourfour.typepad.com

So which famous people were dead by the time they were your age? dead.atyourage.com/outlived

Crème-egg smashing machine (below)

And please remember to buy Venue.

The management won't be able to afford any adult movies off the cable TV if you don't.

Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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