Will it be another Summer of Mild Affection?

So what have you got planned for the summer? Going to go to any festivals? We know of an especially good one being staged at the newsagent's right now. The line-up at the Festival of This Week's Venue includes:

FESTIVAL GUIDE 2009 - Your essential guide to the nation's best fests this summer - 64 pages covering everything from tiny boutique affairs to the huge headline-grabbers like Glastonbury. And unlike the last two years, it's not going to rain. Nosirreebob.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENTS - From Bath's Western Riverside to the Museum of Bristol, the West's seen lots of big new developments getting underway - but is the recession going to bring them all to a grinding halt?

PLUS ... FREE music downloads ... The West's most powerful woman interviewed ... 'Star Trek XI' ... The West's dimmest criminals (and cops) ... 2ManyDJs interviewed ... Southbank Arts Trail ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss how loud you laughed when that tax increase on really big salaries was announced.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!

Jokes

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.
"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini!"
(Thanks Jack)

Father O'Malley is having some maintenance work done on the church. As he is passing, one of the carpenters hits his thumb with a hammer "F***ing Hell!" yells the workman The priest is horrified and tells the carpenter "My son, this is a house of God, such profanities are not appropriate here. If you have hurt yourself in some way you should offer your prayer to our lord Jesus and he will give you relief from your suffering"
Next day as the priest is passing the same carpenter chops off his fingers with his electric saw. "Oh my God! Sweet Jesus help me now!" says the carpenter.
With that the fingers levitate themselves and re-attach themselves to the poor carpenter's hand, all the blood disappears and the carpenter wiggles his fingers. He is completely healed.
"F***ing Hell!!" yells Father O'Malley.
(Thanks Una)

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Coolangatta Airport.
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Coolangatta. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the Gold Coast.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Gold Coast?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big cr*p....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge t*ts out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a sh*t first."
(Thanks Harry)

The credit crunch...
- I could lose my job.
- I could lose all my savings.
- I could lose my house.
And what does the government do?
Spend billions of our money on an event that lasts just two weeks and which serves no useful purpose other than to find out which people on this planet are best at taking drugs without being caught.
(Thanks Trev)

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do!" he answered as he kissed her, grabbed his briefcase and walked out the door to his car to go to work.
Of course, he hadn’t known what day it was, and he felt lucky his wife dropped the hint.
At 10am, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen red roses.
At 1pm, the doorbell rang again. When she answered it, she was presented with a beautifully gift-wrapped box of her favourite chocolates.
At 4pm, a boutique delivered a designer dress. An accompanying card read, "This is for when we go out to dinner tonight at a restaurant of your choice. From your loving husband."
The woman couldn't wait for him to come home.
A little before 6pm, he walked in the door. "Honey!" she squealed with delight as she threw her arms around him. "First, the flowers then the chocolates, then the dress and now dinner!" she exclaimed excitedly. "I've never had a more wonderful Ash Wednesday in all my life!"
(Thanks Milly. You win this week's star prize, a couple of detective novels (or some kids' books if you'd prefer). Mail us a postal address if you want 'em.)

Please send us jokes. Sending jokes to Venue is GUARANTEED to protect you against swine flu more effectively than reading any amount of panicky newspaper headlines. Also, the best one each week wins some stuff.

Some websites?

Astonishing zoom-ins on these here pictures http://www.gigapan.org/index.php (Thanks Mike)

"Beating Guitar Hero Doesn't Make You Slash" Funny. (Thanks Robin) (below)

Do you have swine flu? http://doihaveswineflu.org

American consumption statistics, beautifully presented http://www.chrisjordan.com/current_set2.php

Best and worst tattoos http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/howaboutthat

Bristol's Gloucester Road. http://www.gloucesterroadproject.co.uk

Worst food product EVER?! http://ihatemymessageboard.com

Canned chicken. A whole one. http://www.bitterwallet.com

Why is this not surprising? http://www.cnn.com

No more weedy business cards for me. It's business meats from now on. http://www.meatcards.com

Amazing contortionist act (below)

Stand up for privacy and against government snooping. http://www.ccjacquismith.co.uk

And please remember to buy Venue.

it'll prevent our talented wealth-creating management from moving to a tax haven.

Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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