Summer Lovin'

It says here we've got "50 reasons to get super-bonkers mega-happy during the sunny season" and obviously Reason Number One is the newsagents, where you get this week's Venue with:

50 REASONS - Venue's round-up of the best film, music, comedy, festivals, family events and other summery fun happening Round These Parts in the coming weeks.

BRISTOL BROUHAHA - Bristol's proper-job comedy festival has secured some red-hot names for its first outing. We round up the likeliest funnyfolk to be raising rumbling belly-laughs in Southville.

PLUS - Discover the hidden delights of Gloucestershire with our guide ... Free adult education guide ... St Pauls Carnival reviewed ... Freewheeling bike king James Lucas ... Bristol Wine and Food Fair ... Award-winning Irish drama 'Kisses' ... Outdoor swimming ... Brüno: Sacha Baron Cohen's raging fashion queen ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who put the sign saying SWINE FLU PARTY on the conference room door.

* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!

Jokes!

A traveller in the Himalayas came upon a great gathering of holy men and philosophers. They represented all aspects of belief and seeking, including one aged guru who was reputed to have achieved nirvana by subsisting entirely on a diet of asparagus.
Our traveller was astonished when, in a sudden mountain shower, all of the participants in this conclave were drenched, except the asparagus- eater. The rain simply avoided falling on him, as if he were roofed.
"That's incredible," said the traveller.
"Not at all," said his native guide. "Bliss is the awning of the Sage of Asparagus."

Eminem has controversially been given permission to tour Australia. The tour goes ahead in spite of the incredibly obscene language, total lack of respect towards women, irresponsible attitude to sex & violence, and, of course, the dungarees. But despite all this, Eminem said he'd make up his own mind about Australians.
(Thanks to Jack for both of those)

Have you heard about Jonathan Ross? He's been arrested for stealing a kitchen utensil from a a branch of John Lewis. Apparently he said he knew he might be arrested but decided to take the wisk!
(This sponsored joke comes courtesy of www.telecomplus.org.uk/cash)

A young girl walked up to her father one morning looking very inquisitive.
"Daddy, is God male or female?" she asked.
"God is both," the father answered.
"Really?" the girl inquired.
A moment later, she asked, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"God is both, sweetheart," the father answered.
"Thank you, Daddy," the girl said. She ran outside and found her little brother playing with his toys in the sandpit.
"Guess what I just found out?" she excitedly said to her brother. "Michael Jackson is God!"
(Thanks Alex)

Lord Snobley returned from fox-hunting a little sooner than usual. He went up to the master bedroom at Snobley Hall to change for dinner, and was astonished to find Lady Snobley making passionate love to their neighbour, Sir Tarquin Cadley Lord Snobley was furious. At the top of his voice he berated his faithless wife for her treachery. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence - her own father, though an aristocrat, had been almost penniless - and given her a lovely home, servants, a chauffeur-driven car and all the clothes and jewels she wanted.
By now, she was crying inconsolably. His Lordship then turned to his supposed friend: "And as for you Tarquin - you might at least have the good breeding to stop while I'm talking!"
(Thanks Ellie)

One evening Paul Trollope (Bristol Rovers manager) is at home when the phone rings. It's the fire brigade telling him that the Memorial Stadium is on fire.
"The cups!" shouts Trollope. "Try to save the cups!"
"Don't worry, sir," says the fireman. "The flames haven't got to the canteen yet."
(Thanks Mike)

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.
"My son," said the priest, "what are you doing? Who are you?"
"I am Jesus," said the stranger.
"Pardon?
"I'm Jesus. Jesus Christ. This is my house."
Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the bishop.
"Your reverence,' said he, "I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on my altar who claims he's Jesus. What should I do?"
"I'll be right over," said the archbishop. "But in the meantime, don't take any chances. Get back in the church and look busy."
(Thanks Lesley)

A rich man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big passionate kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw!" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and BMWs in the garage and no more pamper-breaks with your friends. But hey - the decision is yours, and I will respect it."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
(Thanks Rita. You win this week's top prize; a couple of books of local walking routes. Ideal for summer and all that. Mail us a postal address if you want 'em).

Please send jokes. Preferably ones we've not heard before, and that don't have too many rude words in that'll get our spam blocked by spam blocking robots. Best one each week wins some sort of prizey thing, which is nice.

Websites

New local news and sport website http://www.bristol247.com

Very cool Glastonbury Fest pics http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/06/glastonbury_2009.html (Thanks Robin)

History and maps and stuff www.visionofbritain.org.uk (Thanks Pam)

Outrageous kitchen gadgets http://dvice.com/archives/2009/04/8-amazing-kitch.php (Thanks Jack)

Anti domestic violence advert uses clever tech. http://gizmodo.com/5302856

Mesmerising musical instrument. It's called a hang drum. (below)

Album covers from Soviet-era Russia http://englishrussia.com/?p=2998

New personality disorders caused by the internet http://www.cracked.com/article_17522_p2.html

Baby hedgehog cutery http://swiss-lupe.blogspot.com/2009/07/autofahrer-aufgepasst-junge-igel-5.html

Amazingly useful inventions http://variationsonnormal.com

The bathroom of the future (below)

And please remember to buy Venue.

And please remember to buy Venue. the management have said they'll have to use us as sum umbrellas on their new solid gold patio furniture if you don't.

Cheers then.
..................................
::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
..................................