This Week's Spam

The Unusual Suspects

Hi. Did you miss the Spam while we were away? The management took us on a Mediterranean cruise, and we're all feeling really tanned and fit after pulling the oars for a month. We got a particularly good work-out when they took Peter Mandelson water ski-ing.

It takes all sorts, they do say, and if you wander the streets of Bristol you'll find all sorts of people. Why not see for yourself by going down the streets to the newsagents for this week's Venue with:

LOCAL CHARACTERS - Meet some of the area's most eccentric and odd characters from Bristol's most flamboyant cross-dresser all the way to the tattooed human canvas.

IGFEST! That's the Interesting Games Festival, back again after it's hugely successful debut in Bristol last year, and bringing you Korean lazer ball, moose-hunting, midnight zombie chasing and loads more fun.

PLUS - Stunning photos from globetrotting snapper David Noton ... Two for one tickets offer for Organic Food Festival ... Bristol Kite Festival ... Legendary author Margaret Atwood comes to town ... Ben Barnes is 'Dorian Grey' in the new movie ... Bath publisher Absolute Press celebrates 30th birthday with lurid confession: "We helped launch the awful celebrity chef thing" ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll come round to yours and make you look at our holiday photographs.

* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!

Jokes!

One of the country's leading cardiology consultants died. The funeral, made up of his family, friends, colleagues and many of his grateful patients, was huge.
In the crematorium chapel, the coffin was placed in front of an enormous floral tribute made in the shape of a heart.
As the ceremony came to a close, the vicar pushed a little button under the lectern and the heart opened up, the coffin quietly, smoothly rolled inside, and then the heart closed again.
At this point, one of the mourners burst into uncontrollable laughter. The woman next to him looked at him sternly and asked, "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynaecologist."
(Thanks Mads)

Two women sat quietly together.
(Thanks Steff)

Three islands were separated by narrow stretches of water. The first island was covered in corn. On the second island was a rooster who wanted that corn but could not get to it.
One day he could wait no longer. He ran full speed to the water's edge and started flapping. Roosters don't fly well but he managed to just clear the water and get to that corn. And he became the happiest bird in the world.
On the third island was a cat who saw that rooster and wanted to eat him. If only he could get to that bird, he'd be the happiest cat in the world. He ran full speed to the water's edge and took a mighty leap but merely ended up in the water, soaking wet.
The moral to this tale being that for every satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy.
(Thanks Will)

A man sat on a train across from a gorgeous blonde wearing a tiny mini-skirt. Although he tried, he just couldn't stop staring at her thighs. As the train rocked, he realized she wasn't wearing underwear. She noticed his eyes and asked, "Are you looking up my skirt?"
"Yes, I am," he admitted sheepishly. "I'm really sorry. I'll stop."
"Oh, it's OK," she replied. "I don't mind. I'm a burlesque artiste, and have very special talents down there. Look, I'll show you - I'll make it blow you a kiss."
She opened her legs wide, and it blew him a kiss.
"Wow!! That's amazing!" said the man. "What else can you do?"
"I can make it wink at you." Sure enough, it winked at him.
"Would you like to sit over here?" she asked, patting the seat beside her. He moved over. She asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
The man, being happily married, was rather taken aback by her forward suggestion. She noticed his discomfort and said, "It's OK. I'm only going to show you how it can whistle as well."
(Thanks Laura)

A lawyer, a teacher, and a bin-man arrived at the Pearly Gates together. Saint Peter told them, "In order to get into Heaven, you must each answer one question."
He asked the teacher, "What was the most famous ship to crash into an iceberg?" The teacher answered quickly, "The Titanic." Saint Peter opened the gates and let him in.
He decided his first question was too easy, so he asked the bin-man, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately, the bin-man had seen the film five times and was a bit of a Titanic nut, and had read several books on it as well. He answered, "One thousand, two hundred and twenty-eight." Saint Peter said, "That's right!" and he opened the Pearly Gates. Then he turned to the lawyer. "Name them!"
(Thanks Don)

Q: What has 90 balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo.
(Thanks Rita78)

Paddy returned to his home in Dublin after spending the weekend at the annual All-Ireland Dirty Limerick Championships. At dinner, his grandmother asked him to tell them all about it. "Tell us about the winning entry, will you?"
Paddy says, "No, grandmother, I couldn't possibly repeat that limerick, it's far too vile and nasty, and filled with terrible words."
"I'll tell you what, Paddy, why don't you just skip over the worst parts of it? Say 'dee', 'die' or 'diddle' instead of the worst words?"
Paddy thinks a moment and then says, "All right, granny, I'll give it a go. This is what won the Dirtiest Limerick trophy this year:
'Dee die deedee die diddle die,
'dee die deedee diddle dee-dee,
'dee die diddle die,
'dee die diddle die,
'dee die deedee die diddle c*nt!'"
(Thanks Ricky. You win this week's star prize. We don't know what it is yet as we've just got back into the office, but email us back and we'll sort something that'll probably be a bit rubbish.)

Please send us jokes. Jokes are, like, kinda like the sunbeams beaming their sunly goodness onto the imaginary solar panels that power Venue's Spam in a kinda sustainable and natural way. If you don't send us jokes we'll have to use coal or old tyres or something. Best joke each week wins some stuff, usually in the book or CD line. Or you can send us a joke on behalf of your company, club or evil foreign government and if we use it we'll tell all our spamvictims your web address. And that's darn good publicity.

Websites

This looks useful. Worksafe, but you might not want to watch if eating. http://www.pootrapusa.com (Thanks Robin)

Japanese musical instrument. Cute, or creepy? (below)

Glum councillors http://glumcouncillors.tumblr.com

Do not look if you're an easily-offended Kiwi. Sort of not worksafe. http://www.adultsheepfinder.com

They're like underpants. Only for hands http://www.handerpants.com

The Mythbusters thing they won't be showing on TV (below)

Amazing dirty car art http://www.dirtycarart.com/gallery/index.htm

What's the worst that can happen? (below)

A view of the edge of the universe http://www.flixxy.com

Deep-sea jellyfish pics http://news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_news

How to find love if you're a male engineer http://survivingtheworld.net

And please remember to buy Venue.

And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised to give us our clothes back in time for winter if you do.

Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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