This Week's Spam

Summer. Not over just yet, then.

There's still plenty of fun to be had in the sunshine (provided it doesn't rain), such as a trip down the newsagents' for this week's Venue with:

BRISTOL FESTIVAL - Back again this year with an even more local line-up, more stages, bigger ideas and a whole extra day. It's Bristol's brightest new fest, it's down the Harbourside and we'll tell you all about it.

DOORS OPEN DAY - The best day of the year for the curious or just plain nosey, where you can visit old churches, a Girl Guide hut, Bristol Uni's new nanoscience labs, and even the sewage works. Brilliant!

PLUS - Florence and the Machine ... Cirque Bijou is ten years old ... Bristol Anarchist Bookfair ... Organic Food Festival ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who told everyone his office and executive washroom are open to the public on Doors Open Day.

* Or subscribe for only £4.99 a month! More details here: http://www.venue.co.uk/subs/index.html

(OK. We're trying a new format for the spam. So not just the usual jokes anymore. See what you think ...)

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Quote of the week

(Last week): "Any fool who can put paint on canvas or turn a cardboard box into a sculpture is lauded. Banksy should have been put down at birth. It's no good as art, drawing or painting. His work has no virtue. It's merely the sheer scale of his impudence that has given him so much publicity." - Posho art critic Brian Sewell was on his finest form talking to the Guardian after the Banksy show at the Museum finished.

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The ninth of September 2009? 9/9/9? There was nothing special about that date. My German wife has been yelling it at me for years.

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"One of the problems with watching this locally-made, sexually-explicit gay coming-of-age/gang violence drama is that it's hard to concentrate on al the vigorous sodomy when you're so busy spotting the locations and wondering how the characters managed to get around the city so quickly." - Robin Askew on Bristol-set coming-of-age movie 'Shank'. See this week's Venue for review and director interview.

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My best friend is entering the X-Factor this year, and I wanted to do something to give her a helping hand.
So I've killed her Mum and burned her house down.
(Thanks Jools)

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WIN!!

We got free tickets for a big night of comedy at the Colston Hall, and for Sam Mendes' new road movie 'Away We Go'. But to win them you have to buy this week's Venue. Or page 29 of it anyway. Or maybe rip page 29 out of someone else's.

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Just a thought....

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874.
The first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important.
(Thanks Jack)

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@TrymTina TWEET!!
@BristolDood WTF?

@TrymTina I am now officially a Twitter Tsar!
@BristolDood And I have officially been the Dancing Queen for the past 10 years. Your point?

@TrymTina No, you don't get it. I have been appointed the firm's Twitter Tsar. Gareth was reading the papers a few weeks ago and saw that
@BristolDood You used up yer 140 characters before you could finish, didn't you, your Twittery ineptitude? Let me guess; Gareth got the idea when Bristol East MP Kerry McCarthy was appointed to spearhead Labour's social media efforts in the coming election campaign?

@TrymTina Right! Kerry McCarthy tweets up to 10 times an hour, you know!
@BristolDood Has she tried Deflatine tablets?

@TrymTina She said using Twitter is just new tech angle on old-skool politics 2 make "traditional campaigning methods even more effective."
@BristolDood Indeed. Social networking is all about communicating with the voters, so in that sense is no different from the traditional knocking-on-doors and kissing babies. We, on the other hand, are a small firm selling plastic components. How do you plan to use Twitter to our advantage?

@TrymTina I'm bigging up the new Acme driving sprockets and the DrainBrain range of intelligent plumbing valves. We're the South West's third-biggest stockists.
@BristolDood And how many sales so far?

@TrymTina None. But I got eight followers!
@BristolDood I see you're a simpleton. One's a Russian Prostitute, one's me, five are spammers and one is your insanely psycotic ex-girlfriend. Are you not fearful that Gareth has made you Twitter Tsar in a last desperate effort to get some sales as a prelude to sacking you?

@TrymTina He did sort of hint. He said sell in streets or use twitter but do whatever it takes to shift some stuff or ur toast.
@BristolDood Sorry to hear it. But the firm is struggling in the downturn. You might be better off going door-to-door on housing estates trying to persuade bored housewives to buy some sprockets.

@TrymTina. Hang on. How come u keep replying to me with more than 140 characters?
@BristolDood Because I'm talking to you with my mouth. I work at the desk next to yours, remember?

@TrymTina. Wow! We can just talk to each other! That's even easier than tweeting! What will they think of next?!

- This excuse for local satire, and more besides, in this week's Venue's Newshound section.

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Websites

Bristol based philosopher Julian Baggini goes a bit silly www.microphilosophy.net

Old newsreel footage of a Clifton lad doing his newspaper round. In a Rolls Royce. Then search the archive for more local material, or whatever else you fancy. This site is brilliant. www.britishpathe.com

Hitler finds out about another Downfall parody. Hopefully this work of genius will now be the last word on the matter ...
www.funnyordie.co.uk/videos

A big list of the things that kill or cure cancer, according to the Daily Mail kill-or-cure.heroku.com

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Jokes

I was walking down the road the other day and saw the sign "Pavement closed ahead", it made me cross

My friend was suicidal, and I wanted to help. So I pushed him under a train. He was chuffed to bits.

My ex-wife was a brilliant housekeeper. When we got divorced, she kept the house.
(Thanks to Glyn for those. You win this week's star prize; mail us to discuss whether funny books or chick-lit.)

Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some crap.

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And please remember to buy Venue.

The management plan to back Bristol's World Cup bid if you don't. By kicking us in a field for 90 minutes. Plus injury time.

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Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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