This Week's Spam

Ain't Nothing but a Party

It's always at party down at the newsagents, and all you have to do to get in the VIP list is buy this week's Venue with:

BLOC PARTY  - They're currently one of the UK's biggest and most interesting rock bands, filling festival fields throughout the summer. We caught enigmatic frontman Kele Okereke in a rare moment of relaxation to talk through his songwriting, the band's future and his ongoing fascination with hands...

TRIANGLE - Enter the mind of Bristol-based director Chris Smith (him what did 'Creep'), who returns with another blood-bathed thrill ride aboard an eerie, abandoned, time-distorting ship. Woooooo!

PLUS - Bristol's first festival of improvisation ... Will Self interviewed ... Extreme sportsman Tim Emmett ... Terry Gilliam's on new movie The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (with Heath Ledger) ... Vic Reeves ... Half-term high-jinks ideas ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

* Or subscribe for only £4.99 a month! More details here: http://www.venue.co.uk/subs/index.html

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S**t Happens

You know how to make one of these things for yourself by now. First cast Jen as an unlucky-in-love thirtysomething - ignoring the fact that she's now 40, because an unlucky-in-love fortysomething would seem rather more sad than endearing. She will have a kooky habit (writing obscure words on walls behind paintings - no, really), which is the lazy scriptwriter's shorthand for characterisation, and a nice girly job. This time she's a florist, just like Lena Headey in 'Imagine Me and You' ... Opposite her is Hunky Bloke, who could be just about anyone. He will have a cruder, uglier chum, while she has a gay and/or wacky best friend. There will also be a funny pet, in this instance a parrot. The Meet Cute will be followed, as night follows day, by obstacles to romance, a falling-out, and a big 'getting back together' scene at the end. Musical montages are deployed to prolong the inevitable. Soundtrack? How many yards of anonymous MOR indie piffle, production line singer/songwritery dirge and Laura Ashley twee fempop can madam swallow without requiring the stomach pump?

- Robin Askew reviews the latest Jennifer Aniston flick, 'Love Happens' this issue.

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Deathdefying daredevil

Base-jumping requires an enormous amount of planning. In fact, everyone that I talk to about this is really surprised how much behind-the-scenes preparation actually goes on. If someone wanted to just hurl themselves off without any training, it would be down to complete luck whether they would survive or not. It's like a science, where the jumper works out fall rates, timing, body position, intricate parachute packing, wind analysis, landing inspection, having a plan A, plan B and plan C, depending on what happens when the parachute opens. It's a really good idea to work out your options before each jump, so that you know exactly how to react. Often you don't have time to think and then react, whilst doing a jump. Preparation can be critical.

- Extreme sportsman Tim Emmett, interviewed in this week's Venue.

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Go for a walk!

"It's a meditational act, walking, there's no doubt about it. But I did have a long period of not doing that stuff, sitting in traffic jams... I had my 'La Strada' moment, like Michael Douglas in Joel Schumacher's 'Falling Down', and I got mad as hell, got out the car and walked away from it. There was a point, on this crowded little island, where I began to find that certain ways of interacting with it were psychically destroying me. Rousseau said we think at walking pace, so walking is a way of grabbing back your essential and thoughtful soul from the impoverishment of mass transit. Most people just leap over the hinterland of cities, in a plane or whatever, but they don't give a damn about what's in their back garden."

- Will Self interviewed this issue.

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Jokes

This is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much the dream guy that she was searching for that she fell in love with him immediately.

However, she never asked for his name or number and afterward could not find anyone who knew who he was.

A few days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: Why did she kill her sister?

First, find your own answer to this question.

Then, check out below for the answer.

Answer: She reasoned that if the guy appeared at her mother's funeral, then he might appear another family funeral.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.  This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.

(Thanks Jack)

Q: Did you hear about the dwarf psychic who escaped from prison?

A: Police are looking for a small medium at large.

(Thanks Helen)

The definition of true bravery: Arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the balls to ask, "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

(Thanks Ed. You win this week's star prize. We'll try and find you something suitably un-PC from the book collection. Mail us an address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. Don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk  now and grease our inbox for love with your funny butter.

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Websites

Daily life in Burma. Brilliant photojournalism http://www.sacbee.com/static/weblogs/photos

How to be lucky. Interesting article http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology

It's those crazy Landover Baptists again (NB: It's satire.) (Thanks Jack.) http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0500/femsoul.html

Nice health promotion advert from Thailand (below)

Just a picture, but it'll make you feel just a little bit happier: http://imgur.com/2vbv1.jpg

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Competitions

Win Simon Amstell Tickets & 'Dead Set' DVDS

Familiar to telly-watchers as the super-sarcastic host of 'Never Mind The Buzzcocks', and before that as the super-sarcastic host of 'Popworld', Simon Anstell is a man whose barbed wit was enough to make Britney cry, a gift which also makes him a rather fine stand-up comedian. He's at the Colston Hall on Tuesday 27 Oct, and we've got a pair of tickets to give away to the show.

We also have three copies of 'Dead Set'. From the pen of Charlie Brooker, 'Dead Set' brought top-quality post-modern zombie horror to the small screen. In the show, originally screened on E4, the dead are returning to life and tucking into humans for food; meanwhile, contestants on 'Big Brother' are blissfully unaware of the outside world.

Want to win either/both? Then buy this week's Venue

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Newshound

Farewell Sir Robert Wall, who died two weeks ago. A Bristol councillor from 1959 until 2001, he was leader of the Conservative group for many of them, and even managed to take control of the Council briefly in the 1980s.

Like his friend and heroine Margaret Thatcher, Sir Bob - the knighthood came in 1987 - came from a modest background. His day-job was spent working his way up the management ladder in Filton's aerospace industry.

In later years, particularly during Thatcher's premiership, he was proper-job Tory grandee nationally, and drafted plans for the sale of council houses, bringing about one of the most profound social changes in postwar Britain .

Despite his Thatcherite credentials, he was well-liked in Bristol , particularly as he was also an enthusiast for the City's shipbuilding and aircraft heritage, writing several books and even answering maritime questions on Mastermind.

For a long time he was the only Conservative who would lower himself to talk to Venue, and always with bone-dry humour. When we were investigating Freemasonry in high places, he was completely open about it. "Don't call me a prominent Mason, though" he added. "That would offend a lot of important people."

On another occasion he was asked to comment on the Tories' poor performance in local elections. "Oh," he replied airily, "it's because the Labour party tell better lies than we do."

We also once recklessly implied that Sir Bob, whose family life was blameless, was having an affair with a prominent Lady Tory. "Chance would be a fine thing," was his response, even though he should have sued Venue into oblivion.  He was a real gent.

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Subscribe

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Please remember...

To buy Venue. The management have promised to let us see a photograph of their luxury Spanish villa if you do.

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Cheers then.
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