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Skinning Up
"It's definitely heightened for dramatic effect. Otherwise, teenagers would just be watching their own lives, and that would soon get boring, like watching 'Big Brother'. Everything has to be heightened, dialogue has to be sped up. I think it reflects teenage life, but at a faster pace. But if you pick up a teen magazine and read the Agony Aunt columns, you'll see that they're always talking about the kinds of issues that come up in 'Skins'."
- 'Skins' star Lisa Backwell (Pandora) on, like, why it's so aufentick, innit, like sick, whatever, this issue.
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National Treasure
"Difficult, northern and a c*nt." Who's that, then? Mark E Smith? Liam Gallagher? Jeremy Clarkson? Nope. That's Alan Bennett.
"What?!" we hear you cry over your dunked cream crackers, folded doilies and boxed set of 'Talking Heads' monologues. "You dare to describe the cosy-voiced, septuagenarian playwright, our national treasure, the master of self-deprecation who put all those nice, funny words in the mouth of Dame Thora Hird as... a c-*-n-t!"
Well, no, actually. It wasn't us. It was Bennett's long-term partner, Rupert Thomas. We know this because in the excerpts from his 2009 diary published in the London Review of Books (with the impeccably understated headline 'Alan Bennett Eats a Poached Egg'), the author of 'The Lady in the Van', 'The Madness of King George' and numerous other West End hits recounts an anecdote in which Thomas likens him to Heathcliff, the rugged, moor-straddling anti-hero of 'Wuthering Heights'.
"Really?" says Bennett, hopefully.
"Yeah," replies Thomas, "difficult, northern and a c*nt."
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Half-Cock
"When The Cock o' The North opened in '69, the year they put a man on the Moon, the pub heralded a new age. Its unique feature unveiled on the opening day in the summer of 1969 was a huge, central hydraulic pole which enabled the pub to move up and down and slowly rotate - a little like the Post Office Tower in London or the top bit of a huge Dalek. Sadly, on only its second day of serving, and during the morning's first ascent, the lifting mechanism exploded and the pub crashed to the ground. Quite a lot of beer was spilt and a couple of pensioners were crushed under a KP Nuts display stand. It wasn't the weight that killed them, rather the rapid and huge consumption of peanuts in order to check out the bikini on the photo of glamour model hidden by the individual packets - like a sexy, salt-based Advent calendar. Enough was enough for the Health & Safety Nazis and the Cock rose no more."
- Cris Warren goes off on something or other when asked to write about his favourite Bristol pub.
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Jokes
A woman was walking through a cemetery when she spied a man crouched behind a tombstone. She greeted him with a cheery, "'Morning!"
He answered, "No. Just having a piss."
My wife said to me yesterday, "If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you."
I said, "OK, but it will totally ruin my day ..."
(Thanks to Ellie for those.)
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side"
(Thanks Jack)
At school today we had a class discussion about the great rulers. We decided in the end the greatest was the Helix 30cm shatterproof.
(Thanks Tom - You win this week's star prize Mail us a postal address and we'll sort you with a couple of books.)
Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. Don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk now and titillate our inbox with your feather of funnyness.
For all the Venue spam jokes ever click here
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Websites
The stray dogs of Moscow - interesting article www.ft.com/cms
Cah! The things some people Google for! http://autocompleteme.com
Tricks to play on your brain http://i.imgur.com/auVtu.jpg
A brief history of toilets http://www.time.com/time/health/article
And not forgetting this one: http://www.dec.org.uk
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(Last Chance) VOTE FOR YOUR FILM OF THE YEAR!
Fed up with crappy cinema awards that always give the gongs to the wrong films? Well now you can do something about it as Venue has its own Film of the Year category in the Richard Attenborough Film Awards 2010. It's not an entirely free vote, as they forced us to produce a shortlist of ten films. But we've made some effort to ensure all tastes are covered, from blockbusters to arthouse flicks and animation to documentary. If you're wondering why 'Slumdog Millionaire' isn't in there, that's because the eligibility rules are the same as those for the Oscars, so Danny Boyle's film counts as Last Year's Thing. Here, in no particular order, is the shortlist:
Star Trek
The Hurt Locker
Up
A Serious Man
An Education
Antichrist
Anvil! The Story of Anvil
Avatar
Fish Tank
Let the Right One In
To vote, all you have to do is go to http://www.filmoftheyear.co.uk/votevenuefilmoftheyear.php
Simple as that. Invite all your chums to join in too, safe in the knowledge that their votes won't be jumbled up with those cast by readers of Uncritical Blockbuster Worship Monthly or Giggly Teenage Girl Weekly.
Voting is open from Jan 4-22. The results will be announced by Sir Dickie himself on Jan 28.
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American Terrorism in Bristol
On 22 January 1777, three ships in Bristol's harbour were deliberately set on fire. The fire failed to catch in two of them, and was quickly doused on the other one. This was before Bristol had a floating harbour. The docks were crowded with wooden ships which settled on the riverbed at low tide; several ships could have been destroyed.
Three days later, a warehouse in Bell Lane burnt down, and evidence of attempted arson was found at a number of other buildings. "The town," one witness wrote, "had the appearance of a siege, and people in general were frightened out of their senses." Citizen patrols were organised to keep a look-out at night.
A huge reward was offered for the would-be arsonist who, some weeks later, was arrested in Lancashire. This was John (or James) Aitken, also known as John (or Jack) the Painter, a thief, robber and rapist who had fled to America and there became politicised.
Returning to Britain, he decided to help the cause of American independence from Britain through direct action and set fires in Portsmouth naval dockyard as well as Bristol. He was hanged from a ship's mast in Portsmouth on 10 March 1777, allegedly the highest gallows in British history.
For decades afterwards a curious urban legend persisted about him. A warehouse was built in Quay Street at the time he was hanged. The builder had taken an old corbel with the carved head of a saint from a ruined church in Keynsham and put it on the new building. Bristolians for some reason believed that this stone carving was the genuine, actual skull of John the Painter. The building is no longer there and the head's fate, a memento of Bristol's brush with American terrorism, remains unknown.
- From this week's Newshound, first with all the news that matters.
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Please remember...
Please remember to buy this week's Venue. If you do, the management have promised to let us have their leftover Christmas Stilton.
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Cheers then.
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