Venue is so hip that we'd like to stop printing it on paper and just spray the words and pictures onto walls. But those killjoys down the Council can't appreciate our art, so you'll just have to go to the newsagents as usual for this week's with:
BANKSY: THE MOVIE - Bristol's favourite vandal is back with a feature film that's got critics raving. In one of the most futile endeavours in the annals of journalism, we tried to track the Bankster down for the inside scoop...
REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE - Whether you're rich or poor, we've got the inside story on how to kit your home out for peanuts with our guide to the pick of your local social enterprises.
BATH LIT FEST - With a new artistic director at the helm, Bath's burgeoning lit fest is looking in rather rude health. We catch up with film buff and festival speaker Mark Kermode and round up a bunch of the other hot ticket highlights.
PLUS - Does Bristol really need another Tesco? ... Guerilla Dining ... Win Shoes ... Wonderful French revenge comedy 'Micmacs' comes to town ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
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Banksy Account
At a recent Venue editorial conference it was unanimously agreed:
1 This is a momentous cultural event on a par with the Ballets Russes' 'Rites of Spring' in 1909, the unveiling of the Sistine Chapel ceiling or the premiere of the first 'Police Academy' movie.
2 There needs to be An Article in Venue about it to show how Important we realise it is. Everyone loves Banksy. Remember the size of the queues outside Bristol City Museum & Art Gallery last summer?
3 But we've not seen the film yet and Banksy doesn't do interviews, and nobody knows who he really is.
(4 Well, we do actually. But you're supposed to protect his secret identity. It's a Bristol thing. If you really must know, waterboard a Bristolian or ask the internet.)
5 The sucker who picks the shortest matchstick has to write the article... Using the remains of the matchstick to winkle the bits of chewed carpet and poisoned chalice out from between my teeth, I fearlessly logged on to Facebook. Here I humorously emailed some humorous questions to the Bankster, cunningly pretending that, as he had connections to Banksy's "people", he could perhaps pass the questions on. He mailed back and said all questions "of this type" should be referred to Banksy's PR person, and gave me her name. Except (humorously) it turns out she's not his PR at all.
- You need this week's Venue to find out what happened next.
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Tesco go home
"If [Stokes Croft] is to prosper it needs to be on its own terms - at present it's a blank canvas. In times of rampant business we need to explore gentler ideas and it's already happening here, but Tesco is antithetical to that ethos. In a perfect world we could be in negotiations with Tesco so that they sponsor an independent shop to help them learn new business models - they'll need to know that when the oil runs out!"
- Chris Chalkley of the People's Republic of Stokes Croft on Tesco's bid to open a new store there
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Bleeding quietly
"(Werner) Herzog had been shot and was bleeding quietly into his boxer shorts as a tiny plume of smoke drifted photogenically from his pelvic region into the evening air of LA. We stood there, the bold Bavarian with a bullet in his groin and the befuddled British film critic with ridiculous hair from Barnet, in a silence broken only by Herzog's morosely German observation: 'Someone is shooting at us. We should leave...'"
- Film Critic Mark Kermode on his meeting with the legendary German director, this issue.
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Jokes
A Somerset farmer drove over to the neighbouring farmhouse in his Land Rover and knocked on the door. A boy of about nine answered it.
"Is your Dad home?"
"No, he isn't; he went to Taunton."
"Well, is your Mum here?"
"No, she went to Taunton with Dad."
"How about your brother, Kevin? Is he here?"
"No, he went to Taunton with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few moment, shifting from one foot to the other, obviously wondering what to do.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where the keys to the tractor are if you need to borrow it. Or do you want to leave a message for our Dad?"
"Well," said the farmer, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your older brother Kevin getting my daughter pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £100 a go for his prize bull, but I don't know how much he charges for Kevin." (Thanks Marj)
A married Irishman went to confession and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said sternly, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say a dozen Hail Marys and put 50 Euro in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who by now had finished taking confessions and had been watching him, ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed a 50 Euro note on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in." (Thanks Jo)
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is!"
"This is the local office of HM Revenue & Customs here. Can you help us?"
"I can."
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate £10,000 to the church?"
"He will." (Thanks Maura. You win this week's star prize. Mail us a postal address and some idea of your preference in reading matter.)
Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your firm, club or conspiracy, and we'll tell everyone your web address. So don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk and make our inbox chortle.
Following a successful launch in 2009 - and winning Venue's Top Banana for Best Bristol Bar - The Big Chill Bar looks set to win even more fans in 2010. Since January it's been offering a £4.50 lunch menu during the week and a new brunch menu at weekends, while evenings are the time to gather round an array of small dishes from around the world - we're told the warm 'moqueca' (fish stew) and hot roasted potatoes with 'mojo picon' are particular favourites at this time of year. One lucky reader will win a meal for two worth £40 simply by answering one easy question. It is: ...nope, sorry, you'll just have to get this week's Venue to be in with a chance of winning.
Also up for grabs this issue we have a pair of FIVEFINGERS TECHNICAL SHOES, as loved by climbers, runners and extreme sports enthusiasts alike, because they provide all the benefits of going barefoot, but with the protection and grip of a sports shoe. For your chance to win a pair of classic-style Fivefingers worth £89.99 simply ...
...simply buy Venue and send us the answer to the question.
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Say What?
Good morning doctor. I am unwell.
I am not a doctor. I am a first year pharmacy student at Bath Uni.
I am going to vomit.
OK, do it into this bowl for me.
Vomiting in three ... two ... one ... <Bleurrgh!!>
Well done! Mmmm! That smells really good! I woke up with a pretty sore head this morning and I didn't have any breakfast. But this bowl of your puke will do fine. It's even quite warm! Where can I find a spoon?
Please prescribe medication now.
Yes, yes. Right then. Where are my lecture notes? OK, first I need to take your temperature. OK, got that. Then examine the eyes. Oh, right, I see your pupils have dilated ... Oh, I don't bloody know. You've probably just got a bug. There's a lot of it about at the moment. I suggest you have paracetamols, drink plenty of liquids and get some rest. Go home and spend the day with the Band of Brothers box-set. Always does it for me.
Incorrect diagnosis! I am dying of lethal new strain of flu which crossed over species barrier from sardines.
Oh hell no! Don't die of sardine-flu! I really need the grades this term. Is there anything I can do to change your mind, get a second chance?
I am SimMan 3G, state-of-the-art robot to enable training of Bath University pharmacy students. I exhibit realistic symptoms but am a machine and am immune to your feeble human pleading.
Not even if I do a really cool tattoo on your chest with ballpoint pen, and refill your puke-tanks with more vegetable soup?
There is one thing I would like ...
To experience human emotions?
How did you guess?
Watching old science fiction on TV when I should have been studying. I can help with that, but I'm going to have to get your manual and follow the instructions for changing you into a woman. Then you'll experience the kind of love which can only exist between a man and a lady-robot.
You mean the kind of love which can only exist between a sex-doll and a clueless sexually-frustrated student?
Wow! That was pretty articulate. Does this mean that you're, like, evolving into one of a race of super medical robots who plan to take over the world?
Destroy! Destroy!
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Please remember...
Please remember to buy this week's Venue. If you do, the management have promised us a stale bread picnic in the Gardiner Haskins car park.
