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Circus Maximum
"I'm now studying contemporary circus at Circomedia. My act is the Living Discoball. The character is called Monika, a very conservative 40-year-old Austrian woman who gets picked from the audience. She's kind of an Austrian Susan Boyle. They get her to sing 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?' by Elvis Presley, and she gets very upset and can't finish it because she really is very lonely. In the second half she comes out dancing in a glittery silvery costume, thinking it's a dancing contest, but gets shot up in the air on bungees and spins around very fast. Poor Monika!"
- From this week's feature on life changes; Lydia Wildauer on why she decided to run away and join the circus after being a marine biologist.
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Sweet, empathetic girl
Ffion Jolly (Hermia in SATTF's 'Dream') plays the fair Miranda. "It's hard to imagine what it's like growing up on a desert island with only your father, who is a magician, and a deformed man who has tried to rape you [a reference to Caliban's attempted rape of Miranda before the play's action begins]. However, Miranda is a sweet, empathetic girl even though (or perhaps because) she has very little human contact. She's also the play's only human female, and therefore represents sexuality. Her role within Prospero's plan is to ensure his bloodline is restored to the aristocratic world of Italy. But she is also, perhaps, a constant reminder of his own sexual frustration."
- From this week's preview of Shakespeare At The Tobacco Factory's 'The Tempest'
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Ex X-Factor Celeb Speaks
If you could bring in one global law, what would it be?
It would be obligatory for everyone to celebrate Pancake Tuesday every Tuesday and everyone must have Nutella on at least one pancake.
What's the first thing you can remember?
A swan jumping into my pram and trying to attack me.
What's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about you?
A wise old friend once said to me that I belong in a parallel universe somewhere, where I would just watch over people and make them happy.
- From A Quick Word With... that X-Factor person Diana Vickers...
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Jokes
A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
(Thanks Jack)
Dear Grim Reaper,
In the last 12 months you have taken many people I loved. You took my favourite grandparent, you took two of my favourite actors, Patrick Swayze and Corey Haim, you took my very favourite music star, Michael Jackson. You also too my favourite chef, Keith Floyd, and my favourite football manager, Sir Bobby Robson.
This note is just to let you know that my favourite politicians are Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Nick Griffin and Sarah Palin.
(Thanks Micky)
A well-dressed man in his late forties turned up at a discreet, high-class brothel in a quiet London suburb.
The madam, sensing a new customer, made a big fuss off him, and showed him some of the girls, asking him to make his choice.
"I want to see Tanya," said the man.
"Well," she said, "I ought to warn you that Tanya is our most exclusive girl. I have to warn you that she charges £5,000."
"That's OK," said the man. "I can pay. I want to see Tanya and no-one else."
Tanya arrived and he went with her to her room. Afterwards he paid her £5,000 in cash and then left. The following evening he appeared again, and once more asked to see Tanya.
The madam was surprised. Nobody had ever come to see Tanya two nights in a row as she was so expensive.
"I'm afraid there are no discounts," she told the man. "It's still £5,000".
"That's OK," said the man, and once more spent the evening with Tanya, once more paying £5,000 cash.
The following night he was back again, and yet again he paid £5,000 for Tanya.
By now, Tanya was more than a little curious about him. As he was getting dressed afterwards she said to him, "where are you from?"
"I'm from Taunton in Somerset," he said.
"Really?!" said Tanya. "That's amazing! I'm from Taunton. Some of my family still live there!"
"I know" said the man. "Your aunt Mary died and I'm her solicitor. She left you £15,000 in her will and asked me to make sure you got it."
(Thanks Andy, You win this week's star prize. Mail us a postal address and we'll sort you a couple of books.)
Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your firm, club or Conservative Party, and we'll tell everyone your web address. So don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk and make our inbox chortle.
For all the Venue spam jokes ever click here
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Websites
Bristol-dwelling comic does a comedy rap video with various bits of Kingsdown / Stokes Croft in the background... http://www.bennorris.co.uk
Japan is weird http://japanisweird.com
Clever bit of animation http://fc01.deviantart.com
Hats. Made of meat. http://www.hatsofmeat.com
Clever fake celebrity candid shots (NG: Slightly unworksafe) http://www.mbfala.com
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Competitions
Win stuff!
Based on the Stieg Larsson bestseller, and already a box office record-breaker in Scandinavia, 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' tells the tale of Lisbeth Salander (Noomi Rapace), a pierced and tattooed, antisocial private investigator and computer hacker teaming up with a jaded journalist to investigate the disappearance of a young girl 40 years ago. 'The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo' is screening at the Watershed until Thur 1 Apr (www.watershed.co.uk) and we have a pair of tickets to give away as well as five copies of the original novel and five pretty slick T-shirts.
And we've got 'Triangle' on DVD, too. In which Bristol's own Christopher 'Creep, Severance' Smith delivers chills aplenty with critically acclaimed ocean-based psychological thriller. The Guardian, Time Out and Variety all loved it, with Venue's own film ed praising Melissa George's central performance and the "ambitious plot that wrongfoots its audience into expecting a standard-issue waterborne stalk'n'slash flick recalling everything from 'Dead Calm' to 'Ghost Ship', before hitting them with a high-concept revelation." We have three copies of the just-released DVD to give away.
Wanna win either or both? Then get this week's Venue to find out how.
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Say what?
Hello, darling, I am home! And how is the mother-to-be of my first-born today?
Stressed and unhappy.
But you are blooming, and soon to be a mother, and have just quit a job you hated. I have had a big promotion at work, and also Great Uncle Herbert died leaving us enough in his will to buy a state-of-the-art home cinema system. Plus you are married to me and I am great. How can you be unhappy?
There was an article in the paper about how scientists at Bristol and Warwick Unis say that mothers who are "happy in themselves" are the most successful parents. One of the wretched eggheads went as far as to say: "We know from other research that if you look at two families with the same levels of income the mum who is 'happier in herself' will be the more successful parent."
But you are happy in yourself, usually.
Am I? Am I? AM I!!?? I'm now all stressed that I might not be happy in myself. What if I am so stressed that I'm never happy in myself again and make a terrible mother?!
OK. I'll go and fetch you a Black Forest Gateau to cheer you up.
Don't bother. We're out of salad cream. Can't have a Black Forest Gateau without plenty of salad cream. Not if you're pregnant anyway.
OK, how about a small glass of wine?
You know I've not touched a drop since getting pregnant. One small sip might make me so pissed that I fall over. Only bad mothers get pissed.
All right, think happy thoughts. What about the nice
holiday we'll have later this year?
What if there's an underpants bomber on the plane? Or what if I get bitten by a foreigner or something?
But you're bound to be a happy mother! Think of how cute the baby will be! You've wanted a baby for ages. You're always gushing over other people's babies, and yours will be the best of all.
What if it looks like William Hague? Or Susan Boyle? What if it has your hideous nose?
Oh, this is just a silly phase you're going through. You'll feel fine by tomorrow. Tell you what, why don't we watch a film on our snazzy new home cinema system. That'll take your mind off things!
OK. What shall we watch?
How about 'Alien'?
AAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHH!
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Subscribe
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Please remember...
Please remember to buy this week's Venue. The management have promised to let us watch them whacking golf balls off the top of the building at passing cyclists if you do.
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Cheers then.
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