This week you need to dine out on the latest edition of Venue. Crammed with paper, iron and with 100% of your weekly Vitamin V requirement, it's available at all good local newsagents, supermarkets and garages now!
EATING OUT WEST 2010/11 - Everyone in Bristol and surrounding parts needs Venue's definitive guide to the best places to eat out. Fully updated and featuring restaurants, cafes, bars, bistros and more, it weighs in at a whacking 340 pages. We're selling it separately for £4.99, but get this week's Venue and it's yours for free!
SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS - Romcoms, vampire flicks, thrillers, computer game adaptations, remakes, sequels and loads of 3D ... Join us as we look forward to a great summer of cinematic alternatives to watching the World Cup.
PLUS - Goldfrapp and Portishead team up for a silent film ... Adult Learners' Week... In search of the perfect pie ... Acceptable in the 80s: 'Hot Tub Time Machine' ... SouthBank Art Trail ... Museums at night! ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Football v. Romance
"Laydeez hate football and would rather soak up sappy romantic comedies instead. Hey - don't shoot the messenger! That's the opinion of the film industry. Here at Venue we know laydeez who love football and hate romantic comedies. We also know laydeez who hate both football and romantic comedies. That said, we've never met a bloke who loves romantic comedies. If you're out there, do write in. Anyway, the upshot of all this is that distributors are chucking an awful lot of romcoms at the screen this summer, partly because of the World Cup and partly because the success of 'Mamma Mia!' last year reminded them not to neglect the lucrative Girls' Night Out audience. So in a break with tradition, let's deal with them first. The biggie, of course, is Sex and the City 2 (28 May), in which the woman who looks like a horse and chums go shopping again..."
- Robin Askew on the summer's forthcoming blockbusters.
Loose in the Candy Store
Will Gregory: "We're being allowed - I'm not sure why - to thoroughly indulge ourselves. It's part of the fun with these projects - you get let loose in the candy store and you want to try more sweets. We're using a choir for this piece and a classical brass section - neither of us has ever used a choir like this before."
"And then we've got six electric guitars and all that vibe," Utley adds, "the noise level and avant-garde touches. It's like two worlds colliding at times, really exciting and sometimes strange. But (as a composer) you have to follow your heart and believe in your own judgement."
- Will Gregory and Adrian Utley of new local supergroup Portifrapp (not really) and their soundtrack for 'La Passion de Jeanne D'Arc' at Colston Hall
Dog's nose could cost Labour victory
You might think that local newspapers are going out of fashion, but plenty are hanging on, bringing residents the stories they really need. One in the Salisbury Journal the other week went thusly:
"POLICE in Ringwood are investigating the circumstances surrounding an injury to a dog's nose.
"A woman was walking her dog and puppy, when her puppy ran off.
"Her dog ran after the puppy but collided with a male dog walker and his dog.
"The woman's dog received an injury to his nose."
That was all. The whole story. Then it went viral, with over 130,000 people logging onto www.salisburyjournal.co.uk to read it in a single day. Comments included:
"The male dog walker was probably an illegal immigrant. Once again we can see the consequences of Labour's lax attitude toward immigration. How many more dogs' noses must be injured before we tighten our border controls?"
And: "This article is a complete fake. The plot is obviously taken from John Grisham's latest bestseller!!"
And: "I'm a pretty liberal guy and I was obviously not planning to vote Conservative.... but this really got to me, it's the embodiment of broken Britain. If only Thatcher had been with us a couple more years, then this might have only been a dream and nothing more."
And purportedly from the USA: "My dog sustained his injury by chasing a car, which unfortunately happened to be parked at the time. And he's one of the more intelligent dogs here in Alabama. Any suggestions?"
Jokes
A man is riding his camel in the desert when suddenly it comes to a dead stop. He gets off and pulls the camel by the lead. It walks just fine but as soon as he gets back on, it won't budge. Luckily there is an oasis a short distance away, so he walks there, and finds the nearest camel service station.
The attendant says, "Bring the camel up onto the platform."
He leads it there. The attendant pushes a button, which raises the camel up. He takes a look from underneath and says, "I think I see the problem."
He pushes another button. Out of the ceiling comes a large, flat metal device, which slowly draws back, and then violently whacks the camel on the rump.
The camel lets out a roar, goes running out of the shop and disappears into the desert.
The man is furious. He screams, "What the hell did you just do? My camel's gone now! How am I ever going to catch up with him?!"
Nonchalantly, the attendant says, "Step up onto the platform." (Thanks Jack)
I have a mate who is serving in Afghanistan, and the man is an absolute hero. In one brave and selfless act, he saved the lives of some British and Allied soldiers, as well as dozens of innocent civilians.
He shot down an American ground assault aircraft. (Thanks Ange)
I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore.
Yep - definitely time for a new keyboard. (Thanks Mel - you win this week's star prize. Mail us a postal address and we'll sort you some books.)
Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your firm, club or religious cult, and we'll tell everyone your web address. So don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk and see if it finds our inbox's G-Spot.
Brilliant prank. You too can do this in the pub. (below)
David Cameron drinking game. (below)
Competitions
Win stuff!
Reckon original art ain't for the likes of you? The Affordable Art Fair (AAF) is a brilliant opportunity to buy paintings, sculptures, photographs and prints whilst avoiding the astronomic price tags and hushed, anxiety-inducing environs of the average commercial gallery. In Bristol from Fri 14-Sun 16 May, the AAF offers unique pieces ranging in price from £50 to £3,000, and a jolly, laidback atmosphere in which to browse them. The generous organisers are offering one lucky Venue reader the chance to be the envy of all their friends (and perhaps even Charles Saatchi) with a pair of tickets to the show and a whopping £500 voucher to spend on an artwork!!
We've also got a competition in which some lucky person will win their very own picnic hamper stuffed with Bordeaux Quay deli products.
To be in with a chance of winning either, just buy this week's Venue!
The Mists of Time
Pass the tissues. It's time to cry sweet tears of nostalgia over an exactly 20-year-old Venue. Issue 209, published 11 May 1990
You probably don't remember this, but there was a recession on and a local estate agent was collecting estate agent jokes for charity, 'cos everyone hated them back then, what with negative equity and all that (the new estate of Bradley Stoke was now known as 'Sadly Broke', younglings...). The most popular was: Q. Why don't estate agents look out of the window in the morning? A. So they'll have something to do in the afternoon!... The poll tax was now in operation. "Just 42,361 people in Bristol have paid the first instalment of their poll tax bills, which became due on 25 April," said our news story. "From a total register population of 298,000, 39,500 have opted to pay by direct debit and a mere 2,870 others have made payments through their banks, the Post Office and over the counter at the council's Amelia Court poll tax HQ."... "Barton Hill Youth Club leader John Nation, the man behind the successful graffiti art project at the club, was cleared of inciting young graffiti artists to commit criminal damage. The prosecution invited the judge to return a 'not guilty' verdict, offering no evidence on the original charge - that by providing a legal site for artists to work on, John Nation had in fact been inciting them to graffiti illegally." Bart Nil Youth Club is now sort of legendary among graf historians... Julie Burchill (former Bristolian) was being interviewed as she had a book to plug. "Julie is the only person I have ever spoken to who supports the Poll Tax 'but don't say I said that because my dad's dead against it and we have terrible rows about it. My auntie nearly got arrested at the Bristol demo and I'm now the black sheep of the family."
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Please remember...
Please remember to buy Venue. If you do, the management have promised to let us look out of the window at the Gardiner Haskins car park, which is lovely in the Spring.
