There's loads of great stuff happening - festivals, football, and maybe even some sunshine. But best of all is the newsagents, where they have this week's Venue. It's like a party on paper, and everyone's invited!
HEADLINERS -- If you're gearing up for Glastonbury you need Venue's big feature about it, complete with revealing Michael Eavis interview. Meanwhile, the Hobbs Show, Bristol's style, music and dance extravaganza is back and the full programme is in Venue.
CUTS - How is the new government going to affect us locally? And how much are the spending cuts going to hurt? Special report.
RALPH STEADMAN - With a new exhibition opening locally, we reminisce with the great gonzo illustrator.
PLUS - Jeremy Irons interviewed ... Woody Allen on his new film, 'Whatever Works' ... Alternative outdoor holidays ... The West's best fish joints ... Father's Day ideas ... Win cakes!!! ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Points Mean Prizes
"I notice our Libservative government has decided to ditch the punitive charge for households who don't recycle and expect the council to dispose of large quantities of rubbish, mainly because "people respond better to incentives than they do to threats of punishment". If this is the case, then can I suggest an adaptation of this strategy that not only helps them reduce government spending but reduces crime too [which will be a double thrill for the little England demographic that swept them to power]. What they need to do is offer criminals incentives not to commit crimes instead of threatening them with punishments when they do break the law. So, they have a sliding scale that gives say 20 points for not shoplifting, 200 points for not robbing a post office and 2,000 points for not robbing a gold bullion vault etc. Result! And before any of your readers write in to say how stupid this idea is, let's just wait and see what other dopey half-baked ideas our shotgun coalition comes up with, eh?
- Reader's letter, this issue.
Gonzo Gone
"It upset me tremendously. The bullet hole is still in the cooker hood. He took a .44 magnum and blew his head off. He was on the phone to his wife at the time. She heard the bang but didn't know what it was. His son Juan and Juan's wife Jennifer and their son Will were in the next room. They came in and Juan took a gun from Hunter's collection and shot it three times as a salute. There was blood everywhere. Bob Braudis, the sheriff of Pitkin County, got on the phone to all the sheriffs in Pitkin. They came to Hunter's kitchen: all took one of his books and read a page."
- Cartoonist Ralph Steadman on the death of his friend Hunter S. Thompson, this issue.
Sex on the Downs
"I have wonderfully happy memories of Bristol. I lived in Redland, in Oakfield Road, with a lady who became my wife. I ran a Citroen 2CV, red with yellow flowers all over it. It was great. I mean it was the 60s, you know, it was the times when we would take our girlfriends out on the Downs and do it in the open air."
- Jeremy Irons reminisces about living in Bristol in the Sixties, only in this week's Venue.
Jokes
When I was a kid, I used to enjoy being taken to the circus to see the fat tattooed ladies.
Now they're everywhere. (Thanks Jack)
I was sitting in the pub with my friends when my wife burst through the door with that look in her eye. Saying nothing, she grabbed my hand and led me to the car before driving me home and leading me up to the bedroom before turning to me and ordering me take of her blouse, which I did.
"Now my skirt" she said, before ordering me to take her bra and knickers off. When I was done and all of her clothes lay in a heap on the ground she looked me in the eye and said, "Don't let me catch you wearing my clothes ever again!" (Thanks Ben)
Two ladies of a certain age were having lunch together at a swish city restaurant. One of them pointed out a mutual acquaintance sitting a few tables away. "Isn't that David, our tennis coach?"
"I believe it is!" said the other. "He certainly dresses well, doesn't he?"
"Yes, and quickly too!" (Thanks Mimi)
Back in the day, Mum would send me to the supermarket in the High Street with £2, and I'd come back with a pound of sausages, five pounds of spuds, a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, a pound of cheese and half a dozen eggs. Those days are long gone!
Too many bloody security cameras. (Thanks Isobel, you win this week's star prize. Mail us a postal address and we'll sort you some books or CDs)
Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your firm, club or religious cult, and we'll tell everyone your web address. So don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk and make our inbox larf.
An unmissable summer fixture for thousands of folk lovers, families and simple seekers of laidback, rustic fun, the Trowbridge Village Pump Festival (www.trowbridgefestival.co.uk) is back for its 37th outing from Thur 22-Sun 25 July. Mary Black, Kid Creole, Show of Hands and Friends featuring Fisherman's Friends and Little Johnny England, Bellowhead and Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain head the music line-up, and there's a huge family entertainment programme, not to mention lashings of real ale and cocktails, and possibly the most excellent toilets in festieland - all in the gorgeous riverside setting of Stowford and Castle Farms. We have a pair of adult four-day tickets with camping/parking (worth £230) to give away!
We also have cake! A large box containing 16 different cakes (worth £30) courtesy of Bristol's very own Crumpet Cakes (www.crumpet-cakes.co.uk), who are making waves in the food world with a mouthwatering range of baked delights full of delicious flavours and character.
Want to win either? Then buy this week's Venue to find out how.
Leftwing legend's stools improvement
"They are not really inventions but improvements. But they are very useful and have saved my life over many years.
"I came back on the train from Birmingham the other day and it was so crowded I used my backbencher to sit on.
"I started this in 1981 when I had a serious illness which affected my legs. I had to carry a stool and I carried a bag as well and I thought to myself why don't you put them together."
It turns out that former Bristol MP, saviour of Concorde and dire leftwing threat to our way of life turned national treasure Tony Benn is an inventor. Who knew?
He was all over the papers last week showing off a special suitcase he designed - he calls it the 'front-bencher' - which has a fold-out stool which allows him to have a sit-down in airports, on crowded trains etc. Even though he's 83, Benn maintains a punishing diary of speaking engagements up and down the country.
He's also designed a 'back-bencher', a rucksack with built-in canvas chair which serves a similar purpose. It's also good for hanging around on picket lines. And there's more! He's adapted a briefcase which converts to a lectern for public speaking.
"The systems I have are very clumsy but if a manufacturer made them they would be absolutely perfect."
Benn has worked with Grahame Herbert, designer of the airframe folding bike, on developing the back-bencher, aka the 'Seatcase' and there is even talk of developing it commercially, flogging them at thirty quid a time.
Subscribe
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now or we'll tell your boss that it was you who put all those Photoshopped pictures of him as Rob Green on the noticeboard. Alternatively, call us on 0117 934 3741 or email s.butler@bepp.co.uk to subscribe to Venue for just £4.99 a month!
Please remember...
Please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised us a fun evening out to look at the dead seagull in the car park if you do.
