Nowadays we're much more environmentally conscious, so if it's a green eco-holiday you're after, visit than the lovely unspoiled Newsagents, where you can unwind with a Mars Bar, a can of lukewarm Tango and this week's Venue with:
CHEAP, GREEN, FUN - Save the planet AND save your pennies with Venue's guide to the leanest, greenest way of holidaying in the UK. After all, it's going to be a long, hot summer right here in Blighty, isn't it? ... Isn't it?
CRAIG KIESWETTER - The latest hard-hitting recruit to the England cricket fold has been smacking 'em to all parts recently. We spoke to him just after England's recent win against the Aussies. He likes Pixie Lott and biscuits, you know.
PLUS - Bristol Half Marathon - the essential kit ... Under siege aboard the Gaza aid flotilla ... Bristol BrouHaHa comedy fest ... Win an iPod!! ... Anaemic vampire fun as 'Twilight: Eclipse' is released ... The best ice creams in town ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Flotilla Eyewitness
"By 4am they were firing tear gas bombs and I thought: 'Well, you'd expect that at least from the Israelis.' But when I saw the helicopters, I thought 'uh-oh'. Then they started firing. When the first guy got shot, I thought: 'He got injured, poor guy, a plastic bullet, isn't it? Can't be anything else.' I didn't see any blood, so when he went down I thought he'd fainted. There's no way they'd actually use live rounds and just kill peace activists, surely? But then a doctor dragged him to the side of the ship and started pumping on his heart. Then they were like 'No, he's finished. He's dead.' Then I looked at him and he'd been shot in the forehead. I thought God, this can't be happening."
- Bristolian Sakir Yildirim, on his experiences on the Gaza flotilla attacked by Israel.
Vampire alternatives
Werewolf Pros: Only a part-timer. Super-smell ensures they'll probably wash their own socks. Cons: Has Time of the Month too. Those are two cycles you wouldn't want to sync up. Werewolf vs Vampire: One's an over-grown bat, one's a WOLF - what do you think?
- Rebecca Roy has advice for Twilight-stricken teen girls on what's the best supernatural creature to have a romance with.
No English voices
"As a Westerner without much Japanese language skill, you're a complete outsider. I think the Japanese have a very protectivist culture and there's only so far you can tap into it as an outsider. You can tune out of everything in a way. It becomes remarkably easy. You're in a coffee shop and if you don't hear any English voices, you don't understand Japanese, you're sort of alone with your thoughts, which is maybe why I ended up with a character who spends a lot of time alone. That led to other themes in the book. Like the public versus the private sphere, how much we have obligations to ourselves as opposed to the other people around us."
- Bristol graduate Jonathan Lee on why he had to wait to be sent to work in Japan as a solicitor before he wrote his first novel.
Jokes
One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place ...
"The grass there is almost a foot high" (Thanks Jack)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
According to FIFA it didn't. (Thanks Michael)
Me and my mates used to have this drinking game whenever we watched football down the pub.
When Beckham scored we would drink Becks.
When Paul Scholes scored we'd drink Skol.
When Tommy Miller scored we'd drink Millers.
... All I can say is thank God David Seaman was a goalkeeper. (Thanks Mike)
I can't believe it! Me and the wife were sitting watching TV when the founder of Apple just walked into the house and took all our Pledge, and all the Mr Sheen!
... Bloody Jobs, coming over here and stealing our polish. (Thanks Andy - you win this week's star prize. Mail us a postal address and we'll sort you with some books or CDs)
Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your firm, club or religious cult, and we'll tell everyone your web address. So don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk and make our inbox larf.
• Here's one for fans of Tchaikovsky, gypsy music and subtitles blurred by happy tears. Romanian director Radu Mihaileanu brings you 'The Concert', the tale of Andrei Filipov (Alexei Guskov), a former prodigy and conductor of the Bolshoi Orchestra who was fired at the height of his fame for refusing to sack his Jewish musicians. Twenty-five years later, he still works at the Bolshoi, but as a cleaner. One day he finds an invitation for the orchestra to play at the prestigious Théâtre du Châtelet in Paris - and hatches an audacious comeback plan involving a French violin virtuoso (Mélanie 'Inglourious Basterds' Laurent) and his former raggle-taggle gang of musicians - now working as cabbies, removal men and flea market traders. 'The Concert' runs from Fri 16-Thur 29 July at Watershed (www.watershed.co.uk) and one lucky Venue reader will win not only a pair of tickets to see it but also a pink 1GB iPod shuffle on which to listen to their own fave maestros. To be in with a chance of winning, grab this week's Venue and answer the competition question...
• It's a sunny Saturday morning - you've had a lie-in and now your stomach's rumbling. Whatcha gonna do? Nip down the Spar for a Nutrigrain? Nah. Nibble on last night's leftover pizza? No way! Because you're the jammy winner of Venue's competition to win brunch with a glass of bucks fizz - for two! - at the lovely waterside Bordeaux Quay. Croissants, cinnamon pancakes with berries, mascarpone and maple syrup or smoked salmon, poached eggs, watercress, toast and hollandaise sauce... and more - the choice is yours. If you fancy making this dream weekend scenario a reality, grab this week's Venue and answer the relevant questions on page 26...
Big cock problem rises
Now here's a sign o' the times. Apparently Gloucestershire is being plagued by noisy cocks.
Cock experts say that the problem might be a result either of the recession, or of people wanting to live more sustainably, or both. Anyway, Gloucestershire has too much cock-noise. (Oh stop being so bloody puerile - Ed.)
Stroud District Council has had 14 complaints about cock-noise in the last six months, compared with 13 in the whole of last year. Meaning this whole cock thing has swollen to twice its previous size. (You're fired - Ed.) Complaints in the Forest of Dean, meanwhile, have risen 300% in the last three years, and they've had 11 in the last six months. Apparently, not everyone in the county appreciates the authentic country sound of a crowing cock at 4.30 in the morning, especially if they live on an estate of close-packed houses with small gardens.
A Stroud council spokesman told www.thisisgloucestershire.com: "Complaints tend to be received by the council as daylight, and thus the consequent crowing, gets earlier in the day."
A council environmental officer said: "Where problems arise, we encourage people to talk to their neighbours before council officers get involved. Our advice to owners of cockerels would be to firstly consider whether cockerels are required, as chickens will lay eggs without them."
He added that if you must have a big, noisy cock then keep it in a blacked-out coop at night and let it out at a reasonable time of the morning.
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