Christmas barbie?
"It's actually a great way to cook food - it's healthy, too, because all the fat drips off. It's not just a summer thing, either - you can do it all year round, even in the winter. I had mine fired up in January this year and Andy Annat from Blazing Barbecues cooks his whole Christmas dinner that way, including Yorkshire puddings! The main thing is that it's quite a simple way to cook really nice food - you really can do it yourself and I think once people see how easy it is they will want to have a go. I'm personally looking forward to learning about the 'low & slow' method from Doctor BBQ."
- Grillstock barbecue fest organiser Jon Finch
McLaren and the Sex Pistols
"Well, he [Malcolm McLaren] is gone, and that be that."
He manipulated the Pistols' image, didn't he?
"Had to, in order to make a position for himself. He was older than us, and should have known better. But he was petty, jealous. Oddly, I miss him - people like him add spark to life. He wasn't greedy for money, but he was greedy for fame. He wanted to be adored. I wanted to provoke debate, to ask what democracy actually meant. And that's what the Sex Pistols created. But Malcolm was scared of that, because he didn't have the brains to challenge things. So he hid behind gossip rags and trivia. We were the ones attacked on the streets, he was the one driving around in a cab!"
- John Lydon interviewed this issue
Stinkfoot
The Old Profanity Showboat couldn't last, despite its ramshackle charm. An improvised play was interrupted when a fork was stuck in the galley toaster and plunged the stage into darkness. Actors playing the sex scene in 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' in the nude despite the freezing conditions were interrupted by ship's cat Ogden arriving on stage to observe the icy nipples and quivering buttocks at close quarters, before being unceremoniously launched into the audience. This was not the stuff of commercial success.
- On the revival of Viv Stanshall's 'Stinkfoot' at the Thekla, known as the Old Profanity Showboat back in the old days.
Jokes
The other night my wife and I were watching a romantic film, when suddenly she called me an annoying and insensitive bast@rd.
I couldn't believe it. I was so shocked, I nearly dropped my vuvuzela.
(Thanks Rich)
I think we've seen enough to trust Paul the Octopus with two boxes marked 'Israel' and 'Palestine'.
(Thanks Liz)
Maury and Pauly were in the bar again, and Pauly was relating his quandry: "I don't know what decision I should make. I'm currently being pursued by a 23-year-old aspiring model who hasn't got a dime to her name and also by a 63-year-old widow with brazillions of dollars."
"Hmmm," said Maury. "In your place, I wouldn't hesitate a second. With your age and looks, it's obvious that you're never again in your lifetime going to get the attention of a 23-year-old, even if she is broke and only an aspiring model. What counts is youth and beauty. In your place, I'd send the old bat off and then set up housekeeping with the beauty."
"You're right!" says Pauly. "It's just amazing how friends can see the situation so clearly and offer such good advice."
"No problem," says Maury, "but could you give me that widow's name and number?"
(Thanks Jack)
A man was rushed to A&E with a very unusual problem. It was obviously one of those bizarre sex fetish things that had gone wrong. He didn't bother even trying to invent an explanation as the duty surgeon extracted six toy horses that had been stuck up his arse.
Doctors later described his condition as stable.
(Thanks Miks - you win this week's star prize. Mail us a postal address and we'll sort you with some books or CDs)
Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your firm, club or religious cult, and we'll tell everyone your web address. So don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk and make our inbox larf.
For all the Venue spam jokes ever click here
Websites
Chip recipes, and why not? http://www.lovechips.co.uk/chip-recipes
Steve Martin's tour rider. http://stevemartin.com/stevemartinl
Bathroom accessories we all need. http://oddee.com/item_97077.aspx
Shed of the Year contest. http://www.readersheds.co.uk/share.cfm
That Mel Gibson rant in full http://www.holymoly.com/celebrity-news/mel-gibson-racist-phonecall-audio-leaked-doesnt-help-him-much47614
Competitions
Win stuff!
• Bristol, 1987. Six Bristolians - including Sloaney student Gertrude 'Gert' Lush and club owner Justin Leek-Orange - gather to protest against a new waterside development. One of them's a murderer - could it be Banksy wannbe Kash or Wurzels-loving lawyer Guy Blackthorn? With 1980s costume, menu and music tips (Blue Aeroplanes and Matt Bianco are amongst the considered suggestions), 'Cider With Roguery' from new, local games company WhoDunnit Dinners (www.whodunnitdinners.co.uk) threatens to off the stuffy, traditional murder mystery dinner party game with a triple weapon assault of local knowledge, period detail and wicked sense of humour. We've been given a game to give away to a lucky Venue reader ...
• We've also got two pairs of premier tickets for the fourth annual Bath Races Cider Festival at Bath Racecourse (www.bath-racecourse.co.uk) on Fri 30 July.
Find out how you can win one or both of these spiffing prizes in this week's Venue!
Say What?
Hi, honey, I'm hom... What is all this crap doing in our living room?
Good evening, dear. What you are looking at is going to make us rich.
But it's just a load of dirt-covered junk from the tip. How will it make us rich? Has the price of crap-futures on the international commodities market hit an all-time high or something?
Some of this may prove worthless, but I fully expect much of it to be declared treasure trove and end up in museums.
Which ones? The Gulbenkian Junk Collection? The Smithsonian Institute of Garbage? The Imperial Crap Museum?
I have become a detectorist! I purchased this fine metal detector off Dave down the Pestilence & Sausages last night. It only had one previous owner, an elderly lady who only used it on her way to church. I have spent all day in the garden, the neighbouring fields and wasteland seeking out these treasures.
But this here is not a treasure. It's an old supermarket trolley.
It might have been the very trolley that Cleopatra used to get her shopping from Asda with.
I see you're a simpleton. What has brought this on?
It is the example of Dave Crisp, a detectorist from Devizes, who discovered 52,000 Roman coins in a field near Frome in Somerset. This is a hugely valuable haul that's got archaeologists and historians all excited.
Yeah, but he found Roman coins. You've just found rubbish. There's a difference. I mean, this here is just an old bicycle wheel, for instance.
It could be the wheel of the bicycle that William the Conqueror led his armies on in the Battle of Britain. Obviously the experts will need to check.
And this, this is just an old Coke can!
The very Coke can that Jesus converted into loaves and fishes when he was being crucified. Well, it might be... But here, let me show you these - ancient coins! Feast your eyes!
It's about 5p in old halfpennies. They're not Roman. And what's this over here? A bunch of old bones?
Yeah, I dug them up when the detector found the Coke can in the back garden. I expect they're Caesar's.
What? You think these are the bones of Julius Caesar?
No! What?! Ha-ha! No, not at all. They're Caesar's. Next door's Rottweiler. He's always burying bones in our garden. Do you think I'm an idiot, or something?
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