The incredible hulk
"It was just a mass of people... no traffic was moving, you couldn't move, the roads and everywhere were absolutely packed... Even the diesel noise, you know, was overpowered by the people cheering and cars honking... It was very, very moving."
- Ivor Boyce, captain of the John King, one of the tugs that brought ss Great Britain into Bristol harbour
Ears a good story
"We brought up the point that he didn't look like the photo on the licence and he said that the food here had made him put on weight compared with where he was from, Albania," driving test theory centre administrator Paula Davies told Bath magistrates. "We said his eyebrows were much bigger on the photo and he said he had shaved them."
Centre manager Deborah Cox added: "I looked at the photo and it didn't look like the man standing in front of me. I challenged him and he said that he had put on a lot of weight since he had been in England eating English food. I said his ears looked different and he said that was simply because of English food as well."
- Albanian Lefter Duka, 33, is refused a driving test after arriving at the test centre looking completely different from the man on his provisional licence
On the waterfront
"When you see the amphitheatre full of people for a big headliner it's fantastic, but a lot of the time is wasn't like that. It's a big space, and it's slightly unforgiving, being such a hard surface. Greening it with plants and seating will soften it, make it a more attractive place to stop and stay. In previous years the amphitheatre crowd has always been looking away from the water - but it's one of the key waterfront spaces. So we wanted to turn the focus around so people are looking back out at the waterfront. The festival is a celebration of the harbour, and this seemed like a good way of reasserting that."
- Harbour Festival organiser, David Pyne
Jokes
A Scotsman went into a phone booth and called a number.
Connected, he said, "Mary, my love, will you marry me? Think it over and call me." He gave her the number of the phone in the booth. Hours went by and the Scotsman stood around.
The phone didn't ring once.
Another Scot, watching from a pub across the street, came over and said, "Look, lad. She won't marry you. You might as well come in and have a pint. Not that I'm buying, mind you."
The waiting Scot waved off his friend and continued to wait.
Suddenly the phone rang. The Scot said, "Mary's the girl for me, I knew that. She was waiting for the night rates!"
(Thanks Jack)
Sally was a huge fan of a certain heavy metal band, and she was thrilled when they came to her town on tour. She wangled herself backstage and invited three of them back to her place after the gig for some fun. As they were all having a good time in bed together, she heard the front door slamming.
"My husband!" she cried. "Quick! All of you find somewhere to hide!"
The singer jumped into the wardrobe, the bassist scrambled under the bed, but the drummer couldn't find anywhere, and he couldn't fit in next to either of the other two, so he scrambled out of the window and hung on to the ledge.
"What the hell is going on?" yelled Sally's husband. "What were those noises coming from the room?"
He looked under the bed and found the naked bassist.
Thinking quickly, the musician said, "Your wife hired me to repair the bed. It's all fixed now. That'll be £50 please."
The husband looked suspicious but decided to believe him. "Hang on. I'll just get my wallet out of my jacket," he said.
He went to the wardrobe to get his jacket and found the naked singer. "Wardrobe repair man!" said the singer. "Your wife hired me. Everything's sorted now. That's £100 please."
Overhearing all this, and not wanting to miss out on free money, the drummer scrambled up to the open window. "Hey! Don't forget me! I shagged her, too!"
(Thanks Mark)
A man met a very beautiful and nice lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
"But we don't know anything about each other," she said.
"That's all right," he replied. "We'll learn about each other as we go along."
It was a runaway romance. She agreed and they were married the next day. They went on honeymoon to an exclusive resort in the South of France.
One morning, they were lying by the pool, when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the edge of the 10-metre board and performed a very elaborate dive flipping around in the air, then cutting into the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
"That was incredible!" she said.
"I used to be an Olympic diving champion," he replied. "You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along!"
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty astonishingly fast laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.
"That was incredible," he said. "Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said. "I used to be a prostitute in Venice. I worked both sides of the Grand Canal!"
(Thanks Tom)
John and Mary loved to play golf together. It was one of the things that cemented their 20-year marriage.
Neither of them was as good as they would like to be, though, and so they decided they would both take lessons with the club pro.
John had his lesson first. After the pro saw his swing, he said, "I can see the problem here. You're gripping the club way too hard!"
"OK, what should I do?"
"Hold the club gently," said the pro, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
John took the advice, held the club more gently, took a swing and WHACK!! He hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
From there on, the rest of the lesson went very well.
John went home to tell Mary that in just one lesson, his game had improved hugely.
Next day, it was Mary's turn for a lesson. The pro watched her swing, and said, "I can see your problem. You're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asked Mary.
"Hold the club gently. Hold it in the same way you'd, um, grip your husband's, you know, thingy, when making love."
Mary nodded and, taking the pro's advice took a swing. The ball went down the fairway about three feet.
"Not bad," said the pro. "Now I'd like you to take the club out of your mouth and try again."
(Thanks Lisa - you win this week's star prize. Mail us a postal address and we'll sort you with some books or CDs)
Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your firm, club or religious cult, and we'll tell everyone your web address. So don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk and make our inbox larf.
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Websites
Podcast that'll tell you about the wildlife on your Bristol bus journey. http://tinyurl.com/34vzsom
The ultimate tattoo. No, really. http://tinyurl.com/ytzhrv
I SO want one of these http://tinyurl.com/2vtfdw2
Movie posters made of Lego. Clever. http://tinyurl.com/236hhxf
Competitions
Win stuff!
• In 'Gainsbourg', the iconic French singer and legovermeister Serge gets the biopic treatment courtesy of graphic novelist-turned-film-maker Joann Sfar. The film traces Gainsbourg's life from a kid in Nazi-occupied Paris, through his heyday as a songwriter and seducer of Brigitte Bardot and Jane Birkin, up to his death in 1991. Surrealist flourishes blend with actors, animation, puppets and flashbacks in a lavishly original French box office hit. 'Gainsbourg' is screening at Watershed (www.watershed.co.uk) from Fri 30 July-Thur 12 Aug and we have a pair of tickets plus two copies of the original soundtrack to give away.
We also have a £50 e-voucher to give away for one lucky winner to spend at new Bristol-based clothing brand Grumpy Git (www.grumpygitclothing.com)
Find out how you can win one or both of these cracking prizes in this week's Venue!
Say What?
Ah, good morning, Councillor Gripweed!
Hullo, Councillor Backhand. What's good about it?
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping in the trees, the skies are blue, Mrs Backhand has gone away for the week. AND Councillor Hargreaves died of a massive heart attack last night! I'll get all his committees, jollies and perks. (Um, his death is a tragic loss to local gov't, a great champion of our beloved city, tireless work for constituents etc.) Everything is right with the world. What's the matter, old friend?
I am not your old friend. I am a passionate and committed Liberal Democrat, whereas you are a Labour thug who's always picking on me. You've been bullying me ever since we were in school together. I'll never forget the time you and your mates pushed my head down the toilet and flushed it.
I don't remember that. When was it?
Last week.
Oh come on, flushing Liberals' heads in the toilet is just part of the everyday cut 'n' thrust of municipal politics. Talking of which, I hear you've been appointed Executive Member for Savage Cuts. The LibDems in Bristol are toast, mate!
I didn't go into politics for this! We're going to have to cut services and sack people! This is a disaster! I've never been so depressed.
I was reading yesterday that scientists at Bristol Uni have just published some very exciting research results. They've been studying apamin. They've learned a lot about how it works, and say it should lead to new treatments for dementia, muscular dystrophy and depression.
That's nice, I'm sure, but what's that to do with me?
This is a treatment that could cure your depression.
But it's only a scientific paper. The drugs will take years to develop.
Not at all. Apamin occurs naturally. It's in bee venom.
So I suppose you're proposing to stick my head in a beehive?
Don't be ridiculous! What makes you think I'd do a terrible thing like that?
I really can't imagine.
God, no! Sticking your head in a beehive would be just awful! The bees are dying in huge numbers, and we wouldn't want to endanger them any further by exposing them to Liberal Democrat toxins. But if you hang on while I get my protective gear on, there's a wasps' nest in the roof which I shall chuck into this room in a minute and lock the door behind me. Really, mate, it's for the best.
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