If you're all credit-crunched and austerity-bound, then summer might not be as much fun as it should be. That's why you need to get to the newsagents and shell out a modest £1.50 for this week's Venue with:
FUN FOR FREE -We've rounded up a whole summer's worth of free do-it-yourself and laid-on entertainment that'll have you smiling all the way to September without busting your bank account. Theatre, films, festivals; tours, trips, tips... it's all here.
MAKE IT YOURSELF - Craft-y DIY workshops and classes are cropping up everywhere of late, and from knickers to night caps and curtains to cushions, everyone's doing it for themselves. We gave it a crack.
GAINSBOURG - Oui, je t'aime! Mmmm... aaaaah.... Ooooh... Etc. The lascivious French poet, writer, singer and louche lothario returns to the screen (played by Serge-a-like actor Eric Elmosnino). Ex Jane Birkin has beef with it, reviewers are divided. We take a look.
PLUS - Poet, writer, storyteller Ursula Wills-Jones ... Children's author Rebecca Lisle ... Hope 'Mazzy Star' Sandoval ... Shakespeare's Globe at Ashton Court ... WIN! A champagne dinner for four ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Be Cool
HOT DAY? Then cool down for free by standing by the chill cabinets in your nearest supermarket. Not only will this keep you cool, but it will cut down on your own personal CO2 emissions and provide many tasty ideas as to what to have for tea. And you might meet someone cute. (But not if it's Asda.)
- One of this issue's less sensible top tips for free fun.
Lies
"This film will be full of lies because I love lies. This is how I go about creating a modest and self-conscious work: lying, always lying. I always do a great deal of documentary research beforehand and then purposefully forget half of what I learned. Then I take my subject and make him into a legendary hero. There have been trashy, poppy and sex-obsessed representations of Gainsbourg. Mine will be Russian, a hero right out of Isaac Babel, Gogol or Dostoyevsky... No book or movie has ever delved into his heroic qualities. There is no one more Christ-like, nor Jewish nor Russian than Gainsbourg."
- Director Joann Sfar on his biopic 'Gainsbourg, interviewed this issue.
Telling Tales
"We had this idea of writing stories about places in Bristol and South Gloucestershire and making the MP3s available for free downloading. You could then put it on your player and go to the place where the story's set and walk around while listening to the story. For instance, there's a story in Easton which starts at the station and goes up to Greenbank Cemetery, including all the buildings that you go past. It's like adding another layer of imagination to what you're seeing. It was quite odd writing those: you walk around talking to yourself and pacing it out and people give you very funny looks. They thought I was a mad person."
- Storyteller Ursula Wills-Jones, interviewed this issue.
Jokes
I was attacked in the street the other day by this ginger-haired boy who was really good at martial arts. Said his name was the Carroty Kid. (Thanks Tel)
I had a visit from my fairy godmother the other day. Apparently I'm allowed one wish, so I told her I want to live for ever.
"Sorry," she said. "That's too big. I can't possibly grant you a wish like that. Think of something else."
"OK," I said. "I want to die when Bristol Rovers come top of the Premiership."
"Crafty bastard, aren't you?" she said. (Thanks Marie)
I had a text from my girlfriend saying how much she was looking forward to me "doing her" tonight.
I'm dreading it. I'm useless at impressions. (Thanks Ola)
An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and a person of whichever ethnicity you normally associate with stupidity (POWEYNAWS) were chatting in a pub. The Scotsman says, "D'ye know I've called my son Andrew in honour of St Andrews Day". The Englishman says "Oh right mate - well I called my son George in honour of St Georges Day." The Welshman exclaims, "There's lovely for you. My little lad is called David in honour of St David's day!" They all turn to the POWEYNAWS enquiringly, so says, "That is interesting. I can't wait to go home and tell little Pancake." (Thanks Rina. We modified that one slightly.)
Fantastic news! American scientists working for General Motors have finally developed a car that runs on water!
Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico. (Thanks Rich, you win this week's star prize. Mail us a postal address and we'll sort you with some books or CDs)
Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your firm, club or religious cult, and we'll tell everyone your web address. So don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk and make our inbox larf.
• We love Council and his amazing street art-inspired images of the city. They deserve a place on any proud Bristolian's wall. Turns out the local illustrator extraordinaire has teamed up with Bristol Green Doors (www.bristolgreendoors.org) to create an image of Planet Bristol. This will be sold as a limited edition print to celebrate sustainable-living weekend Bristol Green Doors. This takes place on Sat 11-Sun 12 Sept and involves several 'hubs' (including The Thali Café) and over 50 people across Long Ashton, Fishponds, Montpelier, Bishopston, Redland, Stoke Bishop and Clifton opening their homes to showcase energy-efficient and low-carbon ways of living (and will be followed by talks and courses throughout September and October). We've got one that you might be able to get before anyone else does.
There's also the chance to win a meal for four (avec champagne!) at the very wonderful Living Room on Bristol's Harbourside ...
... But to be in with a chance of winning one or both, you're just going to have to get this week's Venue. We're mean like that.
Say What?
Hi dear I'm home!
Great! You can be the first person to sponsor me.
For what?
It's for charity. The least you can do is pony up a few quid.
What are you raising money for?
Not sure yet. As you know I've long been a supporter of Save the Wasps. Or we might put it towards helping turn St Asbo's into one of Mr Gove's nice academies. Or maybe we should use it to help run the local library or the rubbish collections. David Cameron's Big Society and all that.
What are you going to do? Sponsored walk? Abseil down something? Murder a minor celebrity?
I have been inspired by the example of David Wright, who lives in Clifton. Mr Wright, aged 31, has filmed himself opening a bottle of beer at 77 of Britain's most iconic tourist locations - Stonehenge, Buckingham Palace, the Giant's Causeway, places like that.
Was he doing it for charity?
No. He told the papers he was having a drink near the Clifton Suspension Bridge and one of his mates filmed him, and it sort of went from there. He says it was all a "drunken dare". That was a year ago, and since then he's been to loads of places, filmed himself opening a beer, and edited it down to a three-minute film on YouTube. You can view his "Corona Beer Pop Tour" at tinyurl.com/3yxr3gw
I see. So you're planning to go on a year-long bender taking you from Land's End to John O'Groats on the pretext that it's for charity?
Can I? Can I really? Do you love me enough to let me do that?
I see you're a simpleton.
Hmmm, thought so. It's just as well I made a Plan B. OK, how about this ... You and me together, we go to various national monuments and film ourselves having sex at them. We can borrow your Dad's National Trust membership card and ...
Ha-Ha! No. Plan C?
I visit various iconic locations around Bristol, such as a the Suspension Bridge, Temple Meads Station, the Wills Building, Cabot Circus, The Mall and so on, get stinking drunk at each, and film myself being sick on them.
And that takes us to Plan D ...
Plan D is I film myself having a cup of tea in all the different rooms in the house.
Put me down for a fiver.
Subscribe
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Please remember...
Please remember to buy Venue. If you do, the management have promised to take us some pub grub* if yuo do.
(* The caterpillar they found under the lettuce leaf when they got a Ploughmans at the Pestilence & Sausages.)
